03 октомври, 2015

standing on the edge of my life

I still need to be nothing for a very long time (if not forever) to figure out what something I want to be. Or if I even can be that. It's still my mess and I'm still a black hole or at least in one. I'm still not sure if when I wake up the day will be good or bad. I might go to bed with a smile and wake up wanting to drown in coffee. Or the other way around. So I guess I should try to use my head this time.
Yes, I'd very much like it all. You're the kind of guy that will swipe me off my feet the second we actually meet. But that won't make me any less broken or dysfunctional. It will only make me drag you into my black hole and it's not a good place to be. I guess I'm saving us both the trouble. It's nice to know I can still feel the butterflies and all. But I'm not being selfish again. I will learn to fight the waves and the darkness on my own first. As for the rest... Whatever happens. 
I'm not waiting for someone or something to make me matter, to give me a meaning and a purpose. I will find them all myself. I want to be a writer. I will write and read all day. I want to go out with friends. I will do so. I want to finish SU, I will work my butt of to do that. And I want to get better for me, so hopefully I will. 
Also, the lack of an answer or a decision is one too. I hate all the idiots in my and my friends' lives who keep us around without actually letting us go. Because it's easier to know you have options. I get it but it's stupid and it sucks and it's wrong. You may hate me for not giving you a chance, but I know I did and I saved you the trouble of living what I'm still trying to survive, so I actually made you a favor. Anyway.
Today was a boring and annoying day and I got my hopes up for no reason because as much as I want to keep you away from me, I'd love it if you proved me wrong and tried anyway. And maybe you will. The ball is in your court. It's up to you, all of it. Because I'm too scared to make a choice. I want it really bad but I'm also scared that I'm not worth the effort and I'm already too broken. And my life is still one big mess which is mostly created by my own mind, but still. Whatever, at least I know I'll survive. Even if I keep dying on a daily basis, I always make it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm lucky or that screwed up.

Няма коментари: