31 декември, 2015

decide that you want it

Last night I was brave, ready to tell you how I feel or at least ready to draw lines for myself. You know, be smart, be an adult and don't let them break me yet again. Today I'm terrified that the second I open my mouth, that will be the end of it and I don't want it to end. I don't want to pull too early and lose it. And it's not even mine to lose. I don't change the world for anyone but my own damn self (and that's only on very good days). I can't possibly mean more to anyone. There are probably some fifteen cats already born and waiting for me to go get them so we can start living together. And you have no idea about the shit going on in my head because if you did you'd run away.
I want... I'm good for more than this and so are you by the looks of it. I see it and I want it but I don't want to be the one pulling your strings and making you want me. I don't want to fight.
Well, the holidays give me too much time to overthink. It feels good to be back in Sofia, to wake up in his bed and then come home. It's awesome to make yourself coffee while still remembering the previous night. So what if I didn't happen to you the way you happened to me. I will. I was brave again. I'm my own hero and I survived this horrible year. The next one will be awesome, I know it. I didn't ruin things. In fact, every time I'm terrified that my words will scare you and you find a way to make them okay.

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