24 декември, 2015

dress made of hellfire

I don't feel like Christmas. I already had mine. The best gifts ever came from myself and I think I'll turn this into a tradition. You don't get to make me feel guilty for that. Because I took the time to look for presents and wonder what you'll like and I made the effort. You never do. That's why Christmas is not at all a favorite holiday for me. The last couple of years all I get is bad news on Christmas, so for the most part, mine this year already passed with our pizza and a movie, and also the party with the kids and then with my collegues.
Being back here makes me feel small and it's like I have to prove something so that you can somehow validate my existance. I can't win. I'll never be who you want me to. And I'm okay with that. It's your problem, not mine anymore. Here I'm reminded of the things I still can't have and do because of you. Because you took my enthusiasm and drowned it. And I'm the one to blame for that somehow. Always. Well, not this time. You should be glad that I have a plan for the future. And you should also stop telling me what not to do. We both know I'm going to do it anyway. Stop telling me that others had better chance of doing something. They are not that different. You should be the one telling me how to find a way, not how to lose it. I'm not losing myself anymore. 
Only I can run into all the people I don't want to see here in my one and only night out. It's Karma proving that she can still kick my ass. I can't believe I still have nightmares of them. And how he keeps defending her and telling me it's always been her in my own dream. Talk about ghosts, huh. I don't even want or love him anymore. It's just that it hurts to know that I've been lied to for so long. It's like every time I see him I feel like in another world I would have been there too. Like I'm seeing another version of me who is still in that hell hole or maybe it's heaven there. 
I love my life the way it is now. I am honestly grateful to all the people who stayed in my life through all my trips to hell. I'm even more grateful to the ones who left. I don't need such people around me anyway. 
I make my own fairytale! I don't need anyone to believe in me anymore. I don't need rescuing. I fought the fear, the darkness, the insanity, I wen through hell and I'm still here. Yes, I'm all made of scars, things I didn't have, broken dreams, ashes... But I'm still here. The walls are higher and we all suffer for the ones who came before. I know I did. So I'm doing my best to keep my demons to myself and just enjoy whatever happens because most things don't last anyway. I might as well be happy until they do. 

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