23 декември, 2015

I don't know how to stop

It's Sunday and I'm alone already because my roommate left for the holiday. I woke up after coming home at 5:30 am and my first thought was that I love my life and it's awesome! It took me a year to get here and I know that euphoric feeling won't last a lifetime but I had to mention it. I went out with friends at our regular spot. I can't believe I can say that. It was something I couldn't even imagine few months back. And we had so much fun, we met new people. I met someone special and we talked and I felt on top of the world again. I keep having those moments lately, which I want to capture, to memorize every second of them and relive it afterwards.
And on Monday I'm no good again. I tried not overdoing it and I still got him a present and made cupcakes. So much for not caring and not wanting it all. Well, I've always known that I don't do balance. It's all or nothing. And I'm usually all in. It's just that you don't know it yet. Soon you will. Oh, but there is difference this time. I'm not pulling the strings. I'm waiting for you to do so.
He got me a gift too and loved the one I got for him. Since I got him a book, I wrote him a note that sometimes we say more when we say nothing at all. He smiled after reading it, saying it was one of his favorite sayings. He also doesn't do explanations so I have to figure him out as we go. He got me a teddy bear, because there were no panda's for Christmas. I keep telling him he's not a bear but a panda and he never asks me why. It's because pandas are special bears and he's special to me. Well, that's something only I know for now. And he kept kissing and holding me. 
I keep remembering how I traced lines on his skin with my fingers while he fell asleep. Then I got up to find a shirt because I was cold and he held me and warmed me up. Falling asleep in his arms feels like home. Being around him makes me want more. He'd ask me something and then keep kissing me while I talk. He enjoys making me laugh and distracting me while I'm trying to function relatively normal around him. I keep dropping things when he's doing so. 
I went to bed with the teddy bear and he read the book. I know the other night I forgot about him completely for like three hours but the only reason I allowed for that to happen was because he is still afraid to call this the way I see it - a damn relationship. Still, I think I'll start calling it that and will not allow myself any more idiotic nights even if they are so much fun. You're scared and I feel like I should show you that you don't have to be. 
Next time you come to my place can you forget your heart instead of your watch, please? I promise I'll take good care of it. We all have walls and ghosts for a reason and other people have to fight against them to make us give them a chance. I'm almost sure I'm starting to take down yours. Please, let me. 
Overall, this is the best Christmas ever. Only it came early and now I have one week in D-town to wonder how to make time fly, so it can be January and I can kiss you again. I'm saying I'll marry my phone because it talks to me and you tell me you talk to me too. Can I lock you up in my room (or let you do it) and never let you go? I made my own Chritsmas this year and gave myself all the presents I wanted. There are a few more for my birthday. And you make it all so much better without even trying so hard. Give us a chance already.

Няма коментари: