26 декември, 2015

just us two

I hate having too much free time. I start to overthing everything and I have the need to clear things up and say things when they don't need to be said. I'm only kidding myself and this is nothing more than two people having fun. There is nothing more to it. There is no happy end story. No fairytale. And I'm okay with that. I knew what I was getting myself into, it feels good the way it is and I don't need it to be anything more than that.
That's what I need to believe, at least. Having feelings is out of the question. I always do, but I don't want to. For once I want to stay numb and be the ungrateful cold-hearted bitch people think I am. You know I'm not. I hope you do. But it doesn't really make a difference. You'll run away too if I ever speak a word of this or when the next best thing comes along. I'm temporary. I don't matter to you. But that doesn't mean I don't matter at all. I do. Today was a proof to that. In a year I've managed to turn my life around for the better. I was a mess last year. I'm a hero now. I'm still scared. Mostly of him, because of the way he makes me feel, but I'm not a mess. I won't go crazy if things go wrong or end suddenly. I'm not a second choice to someone else anymore because I chose myself this time. I'll keep doing so. I won't let anyone make me feel like I don't matter again. 
It's still... I'm so close. What we do is so close to an actual relationship that it confuses me. And I warned you and you're still acting, pretending. You can't not be. I already know that much - the people I'm falling for don't fall back for me. So you're pretending, mostly for my sake or you're just that type of guy. Still, you'd rather come to my place so it can be just the two of us and we can talk instead of go out and have one of those small talks about stupid stuff. You're allowing me to look into your soul, so I can fall (as if it's not easy enough already) and then you'll tell me you didn't mean to but it doesn't mean as much to you. 
Yes, I should use my words and say so but I don't want to ruin this. I like it too much to ruin it with my words. You shouldn't have agreed so much with my quote. Sometimes we do say more when we say nothing at all but I like lines. They keep me in control. Draw me some, so I can stop overthinking it and I don't blow it. 
If not, I will do that for myself. Or at least I'll try to. I'm just afraid I already like it too much to do so. But I've survived worse so this should be easy. I already know how it goes anyway. 

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