16 декември, 2015

magnets

Reading all the post from this year sure seems like a fun experience. I was in a black hole at the beginning and I couldn't see a way out. And then slowly I seemed to start seeing the light. I see it clearly now. And it comes from no other place but my own soul. It's torn and dirty here and there but still exists, as Yelena says. I honestly have no idea how I got here. In a good way this time. I can't figure out how I made it. Well, I'm still making it. But I'm doing things I never thought I'd do again. Like go out all night, not go home at all, survive a whole day out. I'm my own hero. And that thought alone makes me feel euphoria all over again and a wide smile spreads through my face. 
The world belongs to me, you know. I'm slowly building the life I've always wanted for myself. And of course there is a boy involved. But I'm still pretending not to notice the butterflies I feel every time he's around or my idiotic smile. Or not to enjoy the way he's jealous when he seems me with other boys. Because I still belong to no one. Not until he decides he wants me to. Everyone else seems somehow insignificant in comparison. Well, there is a good reason for that. Chemistry works in mysterious ways and I can't complain about it. 
So, in a day I will have a tattoo as I promised myself in the middle of the year. Not that my insanity is gone but we've managed to establish some sort of peace and so far it's been relatively normal. It only bothers me like once a month and mostly when I'm sleep deprived. 
I still have no regrets. I'm glad I have some people back in my life. I'm also glad some are gone. And the ones who stayed I love even more because they know I'm a crazy person and they are still around. 
My friends know me too well already and my idiotic smile is no secret to them. I'm not sure I can handle more though. Even if I want it. And I do. You scare me, you know. It's easy to fall for you. You seem to care enough to make me care too and not to feel like a complete idiot. I feel special at times even. You don't want to go out but when we are just the two of us, that's when it's even worse, you know. Because then the level of honesty is higher. There is no audience. We get to be ourselves and I know my self sucks but yours is quite charming and I'm a girl with a weak heart for guys who care and keep their promises. 
Sometimes I do wish you could see through me and figure it out. You're the only one I want to show my real self to and the only one who doesn't want me to somehow. Or like doesn't mind, but won't ask for it. If only you knew how scared I was, how broken, how insane... I find it hard to be around my own self sometimes. I doubt you'll stay if you knew all that. Don't figure me out. 

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