13 декември, 2015

take it all away

We danced. And I realized an hour afterwards. I'm scared because it feels right and it feels like more than it actually it is. I don't really need to know where you are or who with. I don't even need to know what you've been doing because that's not our thing. It shouldn't be, at least. But it is. We spend time just the two of us where we get to be ourselves without an audience and the level of honesty and intimacy is greater than any date we could have. I can get used to that. Hell, I already am used to it. 
I've been rereading my blog and gathering the highlights like I do every December. Turns out I did write down a lot of moments which I didn't think I remember but I do. And I keep trying to find the lie among those little moment which made my day, you know. And I can't. I feel like such a fool for believing and I guess that's what scares me. That I'm the broken one, the one who sees more than it actually is and it's nothing really. But you are confusing me and giving me mixed signals. You know I'm easy that way. I don't want a lot. Just someone who cares and is trustworthy and honest. You're telling me more than I ask you too. 
I don't trust my own instincts. I can't tell a lie from the truth. Not anymore. So I will do my best not to pay attention to all these things and hope for the best, whatever it is in this case. I mean, I know what I want but I ever get what I want, so there goes that. I'm just not that lucky.
On the upside, I already gave myself one of my Christmas gifts and the other one belongs to Thursday. Because I deserve it and it was about time. And I've always known there would be a second one. 
Oh, if only he knew how fake my confidence is, he's laugh at me and then figure out how scared I really am. I guess pretending works for me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to realize how boring I actually am, or how damaged, broken, crazy... Yet I keep hoping he stays anyway and falls for all that. While I wonder why anyone would. I'm the only masochist who sees broken people and runs to them. Other people are sane enough to run the opposite way and never look back. Well, I loved lost causes so much that I became one. 

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