18 март, 2016

little do you know

Pretending not to feel anything is becoming impossible. I keep waiting for the month to be over, the teaching practice... I'm sure I can find hundred if not thousand more excuses. I'm giving myself another chance on Sunday before I actually drop the bomb and ruin it all. It's obvious that you don't feel the way I do and it makes me want to stay in bed all day and cry about it. In fact I've had a few moments like that but managed bravely to still get up and pretend it doesn't mean as much. It does. And it's hurting me to know that yet again I'm falling all by myself. Well, it is the story of my life which will lead me to living with many cats in the next few years so why should that plan change now.
I do manage to keep myself busy for now. It won't last for long and I'm already forcing the words to not leave my lips every damn time I'm around you. I have too much feelings and can't get control over them. As if I've ever been able. But I'm giving myself a chance to get out in a less painful way and really wishing it works. Otherwise I'll be giving my own damn sentence pretty soon. I want it, all of it. I can see it happen, almost believe it is happening. How can I see it so clearly when you don't even seem to have even noticed my pathetic smile.
I keep wanting to give what little is left of my soul to people and all they want is my body. Then when what's left of my soul disappears thanks to them, they will be asking me if I have a soul. All the irony yet again.
I'm usually all for the label I get pretty often these days. I deserve it. Hell, I've deserved it long time ago. I'm easy and shallow at times. I pretend to be, at least, hoping it becomes true. I hate having feelings and wanting someone so much. I'd rather not feel anything.

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