19 март, 2016

take me to church

There some irony in nights like this. In her looking at me like she owns it all, not having any idea what happens when she's not around. This sounds way worse than it actually is. I must have looked the same way when I was in her place. I know all his moves down to the last one and I feel tempted to try and wrap him around my finger just to put her in her place but... It's not my place to do so and that's just my dark side wanting to destroy things. 
Fine, let's say you're testing me. Can you like... Let me know? I feel like I'm walking on thin ice all the time, waiting for it to break, almost hoping it does sooner rather than later so at least I know my sentence. I even go back to my defense mechanisms where I try to ruin things before they ruin themselves. I keep putting it off and waiting for March, needing an excuse to not deal with things. Or even wondering if there's something to deal with in the first place. Yeah, that insecure. And that much I don't trust my own instincts, questioning my every more and doubting my every decision. Well, there's a reason why I'm still holding on and also a reason why he hasn't given up on this. And tonight I got another little reason to hope, so I'm not ruining anything just yet. 
Even the fact that I am considering just going out with someone else feels like cheating and I'm not even in a relationship. Either something is really wrong with me or it's just that something is wrong with everyone. 
People are amazing! Some of them have fire inside of them and it lights you up as well. And I am enough. The only reason my story sucks so far is because I choose people who make me feel like I'm not good enough without ever trying to first solve their own issues. So now instead of people I have issues. 
I do belong and not just to myself. I know it doesn't matter because he doesn't want me to and he doesn't even know it (or pretends so), I'm his. And just for tonight I don't care if he's not mine. I swear I had to force myself to let him go last night. It's getting harder to hide and control my feelings but I good my reminder how much it sucks when it all falls apart and chances are it will because that's just my luck. I'd rather have him this way than have it all and lose it yet again. And it's not a nice feeling to stand on the sidelines when you used to be the star. Yet another story of my life. Time to sleep it off and keep pretending I couldn't care less. Hopefully it won't be just pretending some day. 

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