07 април, 2016

find it all

So, it's April and I haven't decided anything. I'm going with the flow because it feels right and last week was just amazing even if it will never happen again. We were together like almost every night and we talked, did some cleaning, went out to dinner. He was even on a birthday in the same bar we go to with my friends and he came back to hang out with us. He even hugged me out of nowhere and it felt like something... I don't know. I might be misreading it all but I'm not giving up yet, even if there is no chance. I like having him in my life and I'm not about to lose that. And I know the second I tell him how I actually feel things won't be the same and we won't be as close. Waiting for May, I guess. It's like for two weeks I am completely fine with things the way they are and then I start thinking about it and wanting to get it over with and end things before I get even more attached. But what is going to happen if I do? We won't see each other anymore, we won't talk. It will be like breaking up without even having been anything more really. I don't want that. If things are going to change for the worse, I don't want to be the one changing them. Well, for now, at least.
Damn, it feels so weird to pass by people who used to mean the world to you and not even feel like saying hi to them. He didn't see me, so I pretended I haven't seen him as well and didn't say anything. If someone had told me few years ago that I'd pass him by and not even feel like talking to him, I would have laughed so hard. Ashes to ashes, I guess.
My life is nothing like I thought it would be when I finished high school. It would never have even occurred to me that things will be so different. That I'd be going through different kinds of hell for most of that time and will end up in almost the same position with someone else. Well it's not exactly the same but it kind of feels like it at times. Only it's not a circle of hell (not yet, anyway) because it's nothing serious. Not that I don't want it to be but it ain't really up to me. 
And there's the state exam coming and I'm already making plans for the summer, for next year, for after I'm done with SU. I'm hoping that by now I would have figured out how to accept the fact that I'll be living with fifteen cats and will be the drunk auntie at all my friends' family celebrations and the bitter old cat lady afterwards. 
I honestly am scared to even consider the idea of having someone in my life. I'll be scared all the time that he'll get tired of me and leave or will only be with me out of loneliness of something. When the cynical bitter part of my self shows I know it's time to go to bed and hope things are better tomorrow. Not that they are bad today but I haven't slept much and it's been a long day, so I don't have positive things to talk about. Still, it's April and I owed myself the confession that I'm a coward and the excuse to keep my mouth shut at least for a little while longer. 
Oh, and the weather was on my side. I got a dark cloud to follow me around and match my mood. 
The other day while I was waiting for the bus I saw a man running with his arms spread and I wondered what's making him do that. Then I saw a little girl running to him in the same way. He picked her up and turned around a couple of times while holding her and his wife was smiling and looking at them a few steps away. That's when I realized that it's what I want. Well, not now. Someday maybe. But I ain't that lucky and my special someone will probably go back to an ex or something or won't even give me the chance at all. So cats, dogs and books is all I want. The rest is scary. 

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