16 април, 2016

scent of a woman

I'm pretty sure I'm not the one and not even the only one right now but I still can't help but wanting to kiss you when you're falling asleep in my arms and I can't not feel like I have the world every time you're holding me tight while we're watching a movie or just when we haven't seen each other for a couple of days. I love waking up when you're holding me and trying to make me warm again because I can't keep warmth within my own body for long. I love touching your face when your angry and turning your anger into gentle purring. I love all our little moments which I know hardly mean anything because nothing in my life ever does but considering the fact that this fake relationship is more real than my supposedly real ones, I'm holding on to it. I'm not good for more anyway. Even if I am, I'll never have it and I still feel tempted to mess things up just so I know it's my own fault when everything goes to hell again. Screw positive thinking.
I deserve it all, I'll keep working my ass of and keep being the best possible version of myself as usual. I know I won't be the one but hoping hasn't killed me yet and what else have I got to lose anyway. Just for the record, I can be your everything. Hell, I can be anyone's everything as long as I want to. The bad thing is no one even tries to be that for me which is why positive thinking can't really work for me. I used to think positively and got through hell a couple of times for it. I'd rather believe that I deserve the worst so I'm not surprised when that's all I get. 
Still, Vili's words go over and over in my head and I keep smiling like an idiot. She asked me to imagine it all just for a moment - him and me together... Felt like magic just like it always does when I'm around him. But I just figured I'm the only one for once yet again - the only one who sees and believes in us. And there is no us to even begin with. There has never been and chances are there won't be. Because I'm too easy and too all the wrong things and not enough the right ones. 
Dear parents, thanks for giving me issues to live with when everyone of my friends gets married and all I end up with is my issues and lots of cats. 

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