14 юли, 2016

it sure as hell ain't me

Sleep deprivation and over exhaustion have been sucking the life out of me for... Not sure how long anymore. Time flies and nothing changes. When I said I'd destroy my old self, I didn't think I actually would. Turns out it really isn't all that hard anymore. I miss him... Rather, I miss who I thought he was and I hate how one word and not even from me, changed it all. It's like proof that I never meant anything which seems to be a theme of my life.
I see him all broken, tortured, awesome, thinking he isn't worth it anymore and I have to keep myself from wanting to shake him hard and make him see that he is worth it. But I don't. I sit there, pretending not to smile everytime he says something that breaks my world yet again and makes me want to build castles. I want to try and save you so much but I can't keep saving people in the vain hope that someone might save me too. Because sane people run from the scary and damaged.
I keep waiting for that day in the distant future when I'm going to wake up and be free. I know how this goes. I know it all by heart. I'm never the choice, not even an option mostly but the lack of one. I'm not the one, never will be. I don't need to see it over again to know how it's going to turn out. So yeah, I like talking to you, I like seeing the world through your eyes when you let me, I'd very much like to try and save you. But first I'd really like to save myself and I don't really need a reminder of how much I hardly ever matter yet again.
I'm keeping my distance and praying not to go crazy in the mean time. Enough is enough.

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