12 август, 2016

different shades of the same

Ноемврийско и студено ми е. Пише ми се за това как тръгваш да пресичаш преди да е светнало зеленото, а аз те спирам, защото ми трябва повод да хвана ръката ти. Държа се прилично, а ми казваш да правя каквото искам. Да говоря, без да се спирам. Казвам ти, че когато го правя плаша хората, а ти ми казваш, че все пак искаш да знаеш.
Тази игра не я умея. Плаши ме. Все едно си ми написал сценария и като кукла ме караш да си го следвам, а когато изляза от него, се дръпваш и ме оставяш сама да си оправям оплетените конци.
So, I need a reality check and the weekend would be perfect for it, since you will be gone. Only when I was gone last week, it was when I felt us getting closer and when I got back, things got weird somehow. Which is why I will give you all the space you need. But then you told me you got me a pillow because I keep stealing yours when I sleep at your place. Am I misreading things or are you fooling around with me?
Well, we've already established that I'm easy to manipulate and easy period. I can't play your games because I give myself away way too fast and you can figure me out in like a second. Yet somehow you keep things going in your own way because... Well, maybe because you want to, maybe because you don't really want to be alone. And I'm always there, so... My reality check often goes to some pretty dark places. So I will stop with the Friday rant and get back to work.

10 август, 2016

she's looking at you

I keep telling you to stop overthinking it and I can't do the same. I'm scared as hell because I care a little bit too much and I realize that I'm not as dead inside as I hoped to be by this time. In fact I'm quite alive and I even gave up on my plan of going to hell on the express train. I started making some smart decisions and building my life the way I want it to be. In fact, the last couple of days I've been confused and not able to decide and then last night it all came loud and clear. I know what I want. I've always known what I want. And I've never been scared to go and get it. 
I might as well do the same with us and admit that I've already given you all the weapons to destroy me, hoping you don't. I'm not a kid anymore. I don't get to be scared and run from the things I want. Or ruin things just because they might fail. I am old enough to know what I want and strong enough to survive if I don't get it. I'm too much for most people and not enough for some but I'm doing my best at all times for those who deserve it and I don't have time for people who don't do the same.
For the first time in a long time I actually feel like I have something to lose and not something that might happen but something that is happening. 
Well, the world belongs to me, so I might as well give it all I've got and hope for the best as usual.