30 септември, 2016

if you don't shoot it

Well, I did get almost everything I wanted. Almost seems to be the word that keeps popping up in my life one way or the other. This year has been less about writing and more about living. I reached a whole new level of crazy in a good way. If anyone would have told me I'd get into a relationship like that and keep it going for half a year... I would have laughed at them. Then again, isn't it what I always wanted? To not feel, to not be a part of... Well, no. I'd have very much liked it to be the other way around. But things don't work out the way we want them to. And that's okay somehow. 
I wanted to be a writer. I've written plenty of crap over the years and just a few decent lines that are worth something. I wanted to teach and write. I gave up on teaching. It's not what I thought it would be. I wanted to study writing, or something in English again. Well, I'm not. I've changed a lot over just a year. 
I mean look at me. A year ago I was afraid to leave my own damn place. Then I had the world again. I had it all. And I was out there, loving every minute of it. Now... I'm a few days from starting a lot of new things and I'm scared half to death because people don't get what they want. And I did. With that one tiny exception that is going to be distracting me for a long time. Now is the time to prove that it was all worth it. That I am worth it. And I'm afraid that I might not be. I can say "So what?" all I want and pretend none of it matters but it does. It so does. 
And that story is always going to be a painful reminder that I'm not the one, not good enough, not first, not anything. Yes, now it's all better. But it doesn't change the story. I'm always here and that's the problem. But I can't not be. If that's why I lose, then so be it. 
A while ago I said I am finding or rather creating a new version of me and I'm not sure how it will turn up. Well, this new me... Will either be the best or the worst version ever. I've been in the grey for too long and I don't like it. And... I guess I've learned a thing or two over the year because I started to make smarter choices lately and I am proud of that. 

Oh, it's such a shame

So... I ended it, whatever it was. I've been saying that I want all five things but I guess the last one I will learn to live without. Four out of five is still pretty good. Weird thing is, we used to be so much closer and then we weren't. Until last night, after I ended things and we got back to being close. 
I get it, your life is still a mess. And I'd very much like to help you fix it but I can't. It's not my place and... I need saving from myself if I'm still justifying the fact that I lost what was not even a thing in the first place. 
On the plus side, I'm still in my room for at least a year, so no packing my own things for now. I finally have a car, though I'm pretty sure it will be a while before I actually get to drive it. But still, the dream came true and I can't even believe it yet. I think I'll wake up any minute and realize it was just a dream after all. Well, it isn't. I got accepted to the two MAs I applied for and any day now I will sign up for one of them. And finally, hopefully soon I will have a new job and will become one of those super happy people who have no time to not be happy. Or I will be tired and sleepy all the time. Still, I will be too busy to think about the last piece of the puzzle and how much I miss it still. I've been missing it for a while now but it was never truly mine to begin with. 
I'd very much like to believe that this is not the end of this story and that maybe someday... But it's a thought that's going to eat me alive, so I'm just going to admit how grateful I am to have met him and to have been part of his world for a little while. I'll be grateful if we also stay friends even if I want more than that... Having him in any way possible is way better than losing him. 
And finally, I am grateful to all the people that left. And to all those who are still around. I am almost exactly where I wanted to be. For once I'm finally reading the books I want. I have time to myself. I have friends to cheer me up when life starts to suck and... And I have me... A little fucked up, a little lost but still breathing and still fighting. Some things are worth it. Some people are worth it even more. And so am I.

03 септември, 2016


Трябва да започна да снимам изгреви, да заспивам рано и да се събуждам с желание да не прекарам деня в леглото си, защото уикенда е твърде далеч. Предвид, че обичам крайностите, яснотата и решенията, липсата на такива ми отнема желанието за подобни неща. Вместо това искам да си седя в леглото цял ден, да си снимам залезите и да не виждам звездите.
Всеизвестен факт - пиша или когато нещата са много подредени или са твърде хаотични. Липсва ми да пиша, макар че работя върху нов проект. Дано поне него завърша.
Това със изгревите е като пожелаването не на падащи звезди, а на още светещи. Самонаправен оптимизъм, за да компенсира постоянния песимизъм. Продължавам да искам света. Искам всичко и го искам сега. Уча се на търпение. Хубавите неща нали ставали бавно. Може би това е урок, който е крайно време да науча, защото винаги бързам и винаги после съм забъркала такава каша, че не знам как се излиза от нея. Та ... Бавно, постепенно, от разстояние, без минаване на граници и с много търпение.
I want it enough to be willing to wait. I want it all, not just bits and pieces of what it's supposed to be. And that applies to work, relationships, university. All things really. I'm finally old enough to realize that I deserve more and I can still do better. I am finding a new better version of my own self and improving it step by step. So I get it. I'm a work in progress too.