30 септември, 2016

if you don't shoot it

Well, I did get almost everything I wanted. Almost seems to be the word that keeps popping up in my life one way or the other. This year has been less about writing and more about living. I reached a whole new level of crazy in a good way. If anyone would have told me I'd get into a relationship like that and keep it going for half a year... I would have laughed at them. Then again, isn't it what I always wanted? To not feel, to not be a part of... Well, no. I'd have very much liked it to be the other way around. But things don't work out the way we want them to. And that's okay somehow. 
I wanted to be a writer. I've written plenty of crap over the years and just a few decent lines that are worth something. I wanted to teach and write. I gave up on teaching. It's not what I thought it would be. I wanted to study writing, or something in English again. Well, I'm not. I've changed a lot over just a year. 
I mean look at me. A year ago I was afraid to leave my own damn place. Then I had the world again. I had it all. And I was out there, loving every minute of it. Now... I'm a few days from starting a lot of new things and I'm scared half to death because people don't get what they want. And I did. With that one tiny exception that is going to be distracting me for a long time. Now is the time to prove that it was all worth it. That I am worth it. And I'm afraid that I might not be. I can say "So what?" all I want and pretend none of it matters but it does. It so does. 
And that story is always going to be a painful reminder that I'm not the one, not good enough, not first, not anything. Yes, now it's all better. But it doesn't change the story. I'm always here and that's the problem. But I can't not be. If that's why I lose, then so be it. 
A while ago I said I am finding or rather creating a new version of me and I'm not sure how it will turn up. Well, this new me... Will either be the best or the worst version ever. I've been in the grey for too long and I don't like it. And... I guess I've learned a thing or two over the year because I started to make smarter choices lately and I am proud of that. 

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