30 септември, 2016

Oh, it's such a shame

So... I ended it, whatever it was. I've been saying that I want all five things but I guess the last one I will learn to live without. Four out of five is still pretty good. Weird thing is, we used to be so much closer and then we weren't. Until last night, after I ended things and we got back to being close. 
I get it, your life is still a mess. And I'd very much like to help you fix it but I can't. It's not my place and... I need saving from myself if I'm still justifying the fact that I lost what was not even a thing in the first place. 
On the plus side, I'm still in my room for at least a year, so no packing my own things for now. I finally have a car, though I'm pretty sure it will be a while before I actually get to drive it. But still, the dream came true and I can't even believe it yet. I think I'll wake up any minute and realize it was just a dream after all. Well, it isn't. I got accepted to the two MAs I applied for and any day now I will sign up for one of them. And finally, hopefully soon I will have a new job and will become one of those super happy people who have no time to not be happy. Or I will be tired and sleepy all the time. Still, I will be too busy to think about the last piece of the puzzle and how much I miss it still. I've been missing it for a while now but it was never truly mine to begin with. 
I'd very much like to believe that this is not the end of this story and that maybe someday... But it's a thought that's going to eat me alive, so I'm just going to admit how grateful I am to have met him and to have been part of his world for a little while. I'll be grateful if we also stay friends even if I want more than that... Having him in any way possible is way better than losing him. 
And finally, I am grateful to all the people that left. And to all those who are still around. I am almost exactly where I wanted to be. For once I'm finally reading the books I want. I have time to myself. I have friends to cheer me up when life starts to suck and... And I have me... A little fucked up, a little lost but still breathing and still fighting. Some things are worth it. Some people are worth it even more. And so am I.

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