14 октомври, 2016

beautiful with you

October is the month of new beginnings this year and it started a bit off but I hope that changes from this week on. I'm still sick and still staying home for the day so I can get better. In the mean time I have to clean up my yet again messy room and prepare mentally for what will come.
And I blew my own wish. As always. Cuz I'm an idiot and I'm stupid and now I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life.I missed that... All of it as little as it may have been. I want it all and I got everything else. I want the crazy and the drama and everything that comes with it. I want to build sand castles and make houses of candles. I want to give embarrassing speeches where I pour my heart out and I want it all to be worth it.
So ... I got everything I wanted with the one exception that makes me want to throw everything else and not get out of bed sometimes. My job and colleagues are kind of awesome. I am loving it all. The lectures and the new specialty are a bit out of my depth but that won't be for long. I'm starting to understand things and I feel like I belong there. I can't imagine studying anything else or working anything else and enjoying it more than what I already have. This whole week I've been realizing how people who have just met me see how amazing I am and I'm not even trying. I should start believing and getting used to it. I managed to prove that I can do things almost all on my own and I'm so proud and happy for it. On top of all that I met so many awesome people who I'm kind of in love with and I can't wait to spend more time with them. I have no idea how I manage to find the exactly right people to have fun with and to match my insanity but well... I'm me. And that seems to be a very good thing which I had doubts about. It was all fine when someone else told me I was awesome. I think those last couple of days I finally got to feel it and understand it for myself. And I'm sure that euphoria will disappear soon enough so I'd very much like to remember how good it felt to finally find my place and to have things work out.
As for the exception...
Иронично е как всеки ден се разминаваме някъде между Софийски университет и Сердика по два пъти. Както беше с морето и планината, оставането ми в Студентски и местенето ти извън него, записването ми на магистратура, поправянето и разрушението, желанието за още и отказването, напред и назад... Иронично е как за всяка свалена стена вдигаш нови две, а ми казваш, че не искаш да се отказвам. Няма, докато не поискаш. Не знаеш, но съм от онези, които остават след като хората си тръгнат, за да си събирам каквото е останало и да си търся нови хора. Не се уча и не ми стигат кръговете в ада. Доказвам ти без да си ме карал, че не всички си тръгват, докато си вземат каквото искат от теб и се моля ти да не направиш именно това с мен. Не би трябвало да е толкова сложно и да се опитвам толкова много. Спрях и да го правя. Границата между смела и жалка поне съм се научила да разпознавам и стоя на границата. 
Well... I'm still me. I've found what I was looking for and I'm going to fight like hell to keep it and make it even better because that's what I do best and who I am. And giving up was never enough for me. I'm still here and still wanting it all. You included. 

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