17 октомври, 2016

if you keep messing with my head

Karma has a good sense of humor yet again. Radio silence must be a new trend going around the people in my life, whose presence I desire most. In other words, I miss you and I hate that I always say stuff and make things worse somehow but I'm also kind of glad I did because now I drew my own line and I will have a hard time crossing it which might make things easier. I can't count the times I've been promising to let things go and give up and I never do it for real. I keep talking, keep checking up and keep proving that I matter and I'm always here when in reality, if that was the case, I wouldn't have to prove it, right?
One of the very important lines I always fail to see is the one between not giving up and pointlessly holding on to something that will never be worth it. I mean... I used to feel it... Now I'm kind of glad I screwed things up so I can finally have a reason to move on and get over it. I can't always give chances and try to save everyone. I know how selfish that must sound and I do want to be here at all times as usual. I try to be. But at some point it just doesn't matter anymore. And the more I try, the harder it gets. I'm usually all up for creating my own hell or whatever, but I am actually trying to get better and this is not helping at all because I have almost everything I wanted and that almost makes me want to stay in bed and cry all day instead of enjoying everything else. 
It shouldn't be this hard and I shouldn't be fighting all the time. Hell, I shouldn't be fighting at all. I should be building walls and burning bridges so no one can cross them. You said so yourself. Then why on earth would you ever doubt me when I tell you I won't do anything that might make things worse for you. All I want to do is make it all better. Well... The road to hell must indeed be paved with good intentions. If you're already in hell, does it really matter if you're also going to hell? Didn't think so. 
In reality, I should be over the moon about the new people I got to meet and the realization that I am awesome and the world belongs to me. And I'd give anything to finally feel like it and not need anyone to make me feel complete. Instead, like the idiot I am, I keep waiting for something to happen, realizing that well... I'm an idiot and it was never something that was meant to be. I should start being faithful to my cats and get over all of this already. 
Yet I'm planning what to write in the book I got him for his birthday which the way things are, might turn out to be actually a Christmas gift instead. I hate people who break other people and then those other people are so broken that all the tape and all the glue in the world is not enough to even make them consider getting better and giving you a chance to help them. Let alone make them realize that you are worth being whole for... or at least functioning relatively normal just enough to make it work. 
In the end... Who the hell cares anyway... Whatever happens!

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