27 ноември, 2016

and i'm always tired but never of you

Понякога си мисля дали не е крайно време да изпиша всичко до последната капка емоция, докато не се изчерпам съвсем и не омръзна сама на себе си с това. После се отказвам бързо от ужас, че ако го изпиша ще спре да има значение. Познавам си начините за привидно заличаване и забравяне и този е един от тях. Имам ключа за вратата и стоя на прага, чудейки се от кой край да я заключа. 
Междувременно подраних с Коледа и си подарих подаръците от мен за мен. Вече може да идва пролет. 
My plans for the New Year's Eve are to watch the fireworks and go to bed anyway. Sunday is a family day and not parents but people who make you feel like home. I'm either homeless or I've learnt to make that feeling for myself because I don't feel like being anywhere with anyone except home by myself with me and my inspiration. 
Karma had something to say these couple of days but I'm ignoring the message and refusing to quit just yet. I'm standing far enough to miss him but still close enough to want it all. I know how to ruin what's left of me but for some reason I don't because hope keeps telling me that things will change any day now and he will realize that he wants it more than he's afraid of it. Wishful thinking has always been a thing for me. 
Also, I got things to do, so most of the time I'm in the illusion that we're just both busy and we'll talk later. Then it's later and we don't talk. I guess he got what I was trying to say or he got it all wrong and things I want nothing to do with him. Either way, distance will either make or break me. I've been through worse is my ultimate reply to all this hoping one day I stop comforting myself with that. I wanted to not be in between. Well, I got what I wanted. Now I want it all back, as little as it was but... I know I can't be in between for long. I want it all and anything less makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And I am.
But I'm still not writing about it or deserving my place in hell. For whatever reason I want to keep my awesome and loving self even if it makes me sad to miss him. I want it all, and sometimes I'm close to tears, or almost texting and then I stop and remind myself that it takes two to make things work. And even if you want it so bad, you can't make it work for the both of you. So either I lost a lot or I gained a lot... I'm still not sure which though the radio silence will surely answer that question. 
The worst thing about distance is you don't know if they miss you or they're forgetting about you, huh. 

25 ноември, 2016

and this is how...

I don't think you would have called to say you're back. Like you never told me what has been happening in your life. And like you didn't tell me you were coming back in the first place. I wasn't part of the plan anymore. It would have made me sad under different circumstances. But I had my moment of remembering and then realizing how different everything is now... How much I've changed over the last couple of years. I got nothing to prove to you anymore. I did so a while ago. I'm glad you're finally happy and you've found the right person. And I realize that the one and only definition is quite wrong in many ways. I'll leave it like that because of what it meant to me. But we've grown apart and that's life I guess.
I'm glad I got to see you and I'm happy for you. I'd rather spare the goodbye part for now. Mostly because it was a long time ago. And the person I knew back then is long gone as am I from that time. At least I got the song and the little moments to keep for record. And that's more than enough.

19 ноември, 2016

just the way you are

Turns out November is like a second May with all its sadness and goodbyes. Well, not exactly the same but it's still not fun for me. In fact, a break from all of it would be nice but it's actually not the work and the studying that's been torturing me but that other thing I'm not talking about.
And the final blow came over the phone after the lovely week of feeling like I'm disappearing, when I got the news that the one and only is back and he's been back for a week and a half and I didn't know about it. I mean, okay, I get it. But you could have told me. It's been four damn years and I've been waiting for the day when I'll see him again and feel it all over... Not the feelings exactly because those are long gone but the memories. After all, that's the reason I got here. Everything started with him and it's like a punch in the gut that knocks my breath out to know that he's back and I didn't even know about it.
Yet again I get the reminder that phones work both ways and I shouldn't be trying so hard for people who wouldn't put half the effort. Which is why I'm not writing about that other thing. It's been interesting ever since his birthday with my favorite smile on his face when he saw the T-shirt I made him and read the message in the book. And then the lights went off and he became mine for a little bit. I'd sleep better if I had him to hold me and kiss my forehead. Then just as I promised I was done trying he did and I got another 24 hours with him which were like a dream come true and pure bliss. Well, the things that make my days kill me afterwards. Which has been the case ever since his graduation which I missed. This is becoming a tendency... Missing the graduations of the most important people in my life. Third time in a row. This made me promise that I don't want anyone standing for me in the crowd for my graduation just so I don't have the memory being ruined by people who then won't be around. This is that me talking, the one wanting to live with cats for the rest of her life because people don't text back, never text first, forget to reply, can't be bother to ask you out or even just check on you and then leave after wanting you to stay for them. I wonder if the time for someone to stay for me will ever come sometimes. Then I remember that it's me and karma is never done screwing with me, so no - it won't. People like me are left behind to remember those who leave and write pathetic little poems and love letters for them. 
I'm a mess, if it's not obvious. And I miss him. I've been missing him but I won't be the one trying anymore, as hard as it may be. I've done the stupid hopeful 'oh, he will fall for me' crap and I know how it ends so I refuse to have to live through it yet again. 
For whatever reason things keep happening between us but by accident. And from what I know by now, when you want someone, you fight for them. Well, you haven't done that for me, so... And I keep saying that I'm not everybody and I shouldn't be placed along with them but if that's true, then I shouldn't be saying and proving it. I'll let it speak for itself and take care of me for a while. Because lately I need more saving than I had in a long time and I don't have it in me to fight and save someone else too. I want to, I really do. I'd go half crazy resisting the urge to fight some more for whatever this is but damn it, I deserve better.  
This year seems to be way more living on my part than writing and I'm not sure if it's a good thing. Well, it feels good to let it all out. Oh... There's always someone saving me at some point. Like he says, I should be happy and not sad. But I keep picking the wrong people that make me sad instead. It shouldn't be this hard, you know. And thanks for saving me this time. There is some irony there from five years ago. I realize yet again that some people will always be here, like me, so we can save each other when there's no one left. 
That picture from that moment when you played that song... You may have been thinking about someone else when you played it but I was there to see the look on your face and I swear I've never seen someone looking more like an angel in that moment. All I want to do is be there to keep you safe and just as innocent even when you think you don't deserve it. I shouldn't but I want to.