27 ноември, 2016

and i'm always tired but never of you

Понякога си мисля дали не е крайно време да изпиша всичко до последната капка емоция, докато не се изчерпам съвсем и не омръзна сама на себе си с това. После се отказвам бързо от ужас, че ако го изпиша ще спре да има значение. Познавам си начините за привидно заличаване и забравяне и този е един от тях. Имам ключа за вратата и стоя на прага, чудейки се от кой край да я заключа. 
Междувременно подраних с Коледа и си подарих подаръците от мен за мен. Вече може да идва пролет. 
My plans for the New Year's Eve are to watch the fireworks and go to bed anyway. Sunday is a family day and not parents but people who make you feel like home. I'm either homeless or I've learnt to make that feeling for myself because I don't feel like being anywhere with anyone except home by myself with me and my inspiration. 
Karma had something to say these couple of days but I'm ignoring the message and refusing to quit just yet. I'm standing far enough to miss him but still close enough to want it all. I know how to ruin what's left of me but for some reason I don't because hope keeps telling me that things will change any day now and he will realize that he wants it more than he's afraid of it. Wishful thinking has always been a thing for me. 
Also, I got things to do, so most of the time I'm in the illusion that we're just both busy and we'll talk later. Then it's later and we don't talk. I guess he got what I was trying to say or he got it all wrong and things I want nothing to do with him. Either way, distance will either make or break me. I've been through worse is my ultimate reply to all this hoping one day I stop comforting myself with that. I wanted to not be in between. Well, I got what I wanted. Now I want it all back, as little as it was but... I know I can't be in between for long. I want it all and anything less makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And I am.
But I'm still not writing about it or deserving my place in hell. For whatever reason I want to keep my awesome and loving self even if it makes me sad to miss him. I want it all, and sometimes I'm close to tears, or almost texting and then I stop and remind myself that it takes two to make things work. And even if you want it so bad, you can't make it work for the both of you. So either I lost a lot or I gained a lot... I'm still not sure which though the radio silence will surely answer that question. 
The worst thing about distance is you don't know if they miss you or they're forgetting about you, huh. 

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