31 декември, 2016

2016

January
Обича ми се - смело, безразсъдно, с риск пак да ме разхвърлят из основи и да се чудя пак как се дишаше.
В мен не се влюбват наистина. Преминават, стоплят се и ми казват как съм всичко, което някога са искали. После си отиват.
Смелост за душевни самоубийства нямам.
Целуваш ме, сякаш искаш да те обичам завинаги
По-добре ничия, отколкото с някой, който не знае как да ме обича.
Ето затова ще си имам котки. Защото ме учат, че да обичаш много няма кого.
Този път ще мълча и няма да обръщам света.
Не искам да има какво да губя.
Не дърпам конци, не играя игри и не бягам. Стоя си и оставям на другите да решат колко близо искат да бъдат до мен.
Above all I hope I'm strong enough to face whatever comes next.
I'd very much like to kiss you every damn time someone pisses you off.
The funny thing is I'm hoping he chooses me while still wondering why anyone would. I'm awesome because I survived and I keep doing so, but in the same time I'm fifty shades fucked up and I have no idea how anyone can be around for more than a few hours. Yeah, I know all that. Choose me anyway, you know.

February:
Никога
не оставя
часовника си
на вратата,
нито забравя
да го поглежда,
и си тръгва сам
винаги
когато помисля,
че може би
ще поиска
да остане
или да ме вземе
със себе си.

You're showing me the world and telling me I can't have it.
It feels like we're going somewhere at some point and then it turns out it's all in my head and we're nowhere because there is no we to begin with.
So, yes, I love it when people finally realize how much I meant to them and how supportive, caring and awesome I am but I'd very much like for someone to finally realize it while I'm still around trying and not when I'm so done with them that I don't even have their number anymore.
Yeah, I want it all, I want it now and I'm not the girl that gets it all but on good days it's enough to at least get to pretend I do.

March:
It would be nice for someone to finally love me back.
Even the fact that I am considering just going out with someone else feels like cheating and I'm not even in a relationship. Either something is really wrong with me or it's just that something is wrong with everyone.
The only reason my story sucks so far is because I choose people who make me feel like I'm not good enough without ever trying to first solve their own issues. So now instead of people I have issues.
Time to sleep it off and keep pretending I couldn't care less. Hopefully it won't be just pretending someday.
Щастието е хубаво само докато го има. Понякога дори е по-добре да не знаеш, че може да го има, защото с него идва страха, че ще си иде или ще го загубиш. А то винаги се губи, никога не трае вечно. Привидно те спасява от удавяне, докато не започне да те дави липсата му.
И си отива както си е дошло. А от теб остава там каквото е останало. Както винаги.
Щастията са си самодостатъчни. Обикновено, не им трябваш, за да са щастливи.
Щастието има най-прекрасната усмивка и мирише на дом и спокойствие, а вкуса на устните му напомня на ванилия и вечност.

April:
I honestly am scared to even consider the idea of having someone in my life. I'll be scared all the time that he'll get tired of me and leave or will only be with me out of loneliness or something.
I deserve it all, I'll keep working my ass of and keep being the best possible version of myself as usual. I know I won't be the one but hoping hasn't killed me yet and what else have I got to lose anyway. Just for the record, I can be your everything. Hell, I can be anyone's everything as long as I want to. The bad thing is no one even tries to be that for me which is why positive thinking can't really work for me.
Because I'm too easy and too all the wrong things and not enough the right ones.
It's a fact - the people I love never love me back. Not really anyway. I'm just an in-between girl until they get back to the love of their life or finally meet her. I don't matter. Nothing ever does.
Hell is the distance I feel between us when you're holding me.

May:
дано някога някой успее
и мен да научи на това
да оставам за малко
и после да тръгвам
и да оставям следа

I'm not holding up space for anyone, especially someone who is not sure if he wants it in the first place.
When the answer is always 'no' you stop asking the same question expecting a different one and move on. You find another way.
Now the whole world is going to start posting pictures of the rainbow. My world already did.
I feel like some part of me is dying yet again and I don't want it to die because I want to love again someday but at the same time I hope I become dead inside so I never have to feel that way ever again.

June:
I'm going to proudly deserve my place in hell and be done with it.
Not so surprisingly, when you take a step back and no one notices, you realize that your presence never made a difference and your absence never makes any difference as well. At least mine doesn't. So why should I even bother? I'm better off.

July:
I want to try and save you so much but I can't keep saving people in the vain hope that someone might save me too. Because sane people run from the scary and damaged.
I'm not writing you down. On purpose. Because the things I write about go away.
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for not asking.
Thanks for giving me inspiration to write when I thought that I'm done writing.
It's still my story and you were just a chapter, never the whole story.
Well, turns out most friendships exist because I keep them going.

August:
I am old enough to know what I want and strong enough to survive if I don't get it.

September:
Продължавам да искам света. Искам всичко и го искам сега. Уча се на търпение. Хубавите неща нали ставали бавно.
I'm finally old enough to realize that I deserve more and I can still do better. I am finding a new better version of my own self and improving it step by step. So I get it. I'm a work in progress too.
And I have me... A little fucked up, a little lost but still breathing and still fighting. Some things are worth it. Some people are worth it even more. And so am I.
I'm always here and that's the problem. But I can't not be. If that's why I lose, then so be it.

October:
I want it all and I got everything else. I want the crazy and the drama and everything that comes with it. I want to build sand castles and make houses of candles. I want to give embarrassing speeches where I pour my heart out and I want it all to be worth it.
Иронично е как всеки ден се разминаваме някъде между Софийски университет и Сердика по два пъти.
And giving up was never enough for me. I'm still here and still wanting it all. You included.
One of the very important lines I always fail to see is the one between not giving up and pointlessly holding on to something that will never be worth it.
If you're already in hell, does it really matter if you're also going to hell? Didn't think so.
I hate people who break other people and then those other people are so broken that all the tape and all the glue in the world is not enough to even make them consider getting better and giving you a chance to help them. Let alone make them realize that you are worth being whole for... or at least functioning relatively normal just enough to make it work.

November:
Yet again I get the reminder that phones work both ways and I shouldn't be trying so hard for people who wouldn't put half the effort.
I'd sleep better if I had him to hold me and kiss my forehead.
People like me are left behind to remember those who leave and write pathetic little poems and love letters for them.
I realize yet again that some people will always be here, like me, so we can save each other when there's no one left.
Имам ключа за вратата и стоя на прага, чудейки се от кой край да я заключа.
I want it all and anything less makes me feel like I'm not good enough. And I am.
The worst thing about distance is you don't know if they miss you or they're forgetting about you, huh.

December:
The more time passes the more I realize that I don't feel like turning the world upside down and proving anything.
It's ironic really that I'm saving everyone and telling them everything is going to be okay and yet I can't seem to save my own damn self.
It has to be okay at some point, right?

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