25 декември, 2016

just this

That awesome moment when I realize that I don't even know your middle name. And the thought that we might be in the same traffic jam. The end of the year seems to be the time for me to completely lose my sanity.
Yey me! I got myself plenty of presents for Christmas before it even came. My break started as a failure but turned out okay. I'm still sick but got to be around my family and we exchanged gifts and it was lovely.
It's been a hell of a year yet again. I'm almost glad it's over and yet I'm not ready for the new one. And, as it turned out I'm a little done with writing which is why I don't have much to say.
Oh, the other day when I was rereading the posts from this year I remembered when we stayed at my place and I was cold. I got up to find a shirt and you woke up and hugged me, wanting to get me warm again. It was one of the sweetest moments which I realized was missing because all those favorite moments are written in the diary I gave you. It's still the best love letter I ever gave someone. I have no idea where I found the courage to do it.
All things considered... I should have given up earlier but knowing myself well enough, I know it takes a while for the lesson to sink in and make a difference. So maybe next year I will do better by myself.
For the hopefully last time I am done fighting for people, chasing them and proving I deserve a place in their lives. I shouldn't be fighting so hard. I know I promised I'd stay when everyone else is gone but at this point I'm not sure you want me to. Hell, I've been standing here for a while now, wondering where that is exactly and yet you seem to be the one leaving. And I'm not holding you.
But if I must be entirely honest. I'd give it all back if I can have you. It's a lie that it gets easier. It doesn't. I get used to it more or less, reminding myself that people always leave. That doesn't mean that I don't want you to stay and be close like you used to. I'd want nothing more than to spend all the time in the world with you, watch movies, talk about anything and everything. I'd give it all just to have that. If you'd let me, I'd take all the darkness away and show you all it's beauty. I'd send you all my sunsets, all my moons. Hell, you'd be there with me when I take pictures of them. And of you and the smiles you have for when you enjoy stuff, when you're shy, when I catch you off guard and the one which I feel when you lean in to kiss me. I'd give anything to have more of that. That's what I wanted all this time. Just us. 

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