11 декември, 2016

trying not to

I already had most of my Christmas presents. Can we be done with Christmas already? I mean, I'd give all the stuff back for that one little thing that won't happen and that ruins everything. I miss last year. Everything had some kind of purpose then. Well, we all know how it turned out but still, it meant the world to me, all of it. Now, this? Pathetic on so many levels on my part. Not doing anything turned out to be the hardest thing yet and I'm doing it. I'm slowly letting go of all my ideas about it and realizing how pointless it all is. 
Okay, I know it isn't and it can be worth it and all that. But I mean seriously? Pretending nothing happened and acting like... The more time passes the more I realize that I don't feel like turning the world upside down and proving anything. I'm not waiting for something to happen but for my feelings or whatever to just go back where they came from so I can lock them up and be the numb version of myself that doesn't need or belong to anyone. 
It looks like I'll be all by myself on New Year's and I'm honestly glad. I mean, I've been on my own this year so it seems appropriate to welcome the new year with just me and my fireworks. Oh, and my camera. Ideally, I wanted to go somewhere where I'd be able to catch all the fireworks but I have a car only in theory so that's not an option. My two favorite holidays are coming and I don't feel like celebrating either.
I guess I'm done with writing and it's done with me as well. That applies to teaching too. I finally got the camera I wanted so I will give photography a try. And I've been a rockstar when it comes to my job. I only need to focus more for the Uni stuff and everything will be okay. I can't wait for the year to be over already, yet I don't feel like new beginnings. It's ironic really that I'm saving everyone and telling them everything is going to be okay and yet I can't seem to save my own damn self. Not that I'd admit I need saving. I don't. I'm better off on my own. Feelings just mess me up and then things fail as usual and I'm left to wonder how the hell will I find myself and where to start looking. I get it now. And I'm done, even if I have to remind myself that sometimes. Because Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love and well... It's just going to be me and my camera this year. 
Ironically enough I've been trying to change my hair because that's what I do when things are ending and it just won't turn out the way I want it. Irony! So as a bonus I got my helix pierced and I'm planning on a tattoo for January maybe. Then I'll figure something else out. And soon it will be summer and I'll be moving everything will be okay. It has to be okay at some point, right?

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