18 юни, 2017

it is what it is

Неделя вечерта е и не успях да подредя нищо. Дори успях да си разхвърлям живота още повече. Може би трябваше като Алиса поне да започна с подреждането на гардероба, който всъщност е почти подреден. Поне успях да снимам в домашна обстановка и да реша, че в далечното бъдеще искам да си имам фото студио и да съм доста по-навътре в материала. Въртят ми се идеи за писане, идеи за снимане... Всичко е хаос от идеи и нито една не се случва, защото Марти не й се занимава да подрежда. Дори и да разхвърля не й се занимава, което е плашещо. Може би дъното е било по-близо, отколкото очаквах и вече съм го стигнала. 
Та да, мина година. Cheers to that. Минаха и два месеца, в които времето ли е спряло, аз ли съм спряла, идея си нямам. Липсва ми усещането за цел и посока. 
Имах си удоволствието от работа като горд и дисциплиниран козирог, но и на това успяха да посегнат. Сесията все още е в разгара си и не знам дали съм доволна от себе си или ми иде да зарежа всичко и да замина за някъде. Гони ме желанието за татуировка, за цветна коса или за по-тъмна коса ... Дори това не мога да се реша да направя. Дъно ... И лопата, за да копая по-надолу. Липсват само съучастниците временно. Лекарството против липса на хора са други хора. Колко е лекарство и колко е ефективно не обсъждаме. Въпросът е да действа за малко поне. Проблемът е, че и това не върши работа в последно време. Минаваме към въображаемите хора - тях си ги бива винаги. Не ти мрънкат като ги изведеш в парка и не желаят внимание непрестанно. Само ти желаеш тяхното, ако е възможно през цялото време, за да не ти остава време за мислене. 
Сезон три и изчезването ... Ще забележи ли някой, ако те няма? Умишлено още не съм посегнала към Грей, защото се пази за когато съвсем съм се отказала от всичко. Пак опирам до петте неща, които може и да не са пет и да са различни от преди, но общо взето... Марти си няма никаква идея какво ще прави и е на автопилот. Повече сили за душевни самоубийства нямаме. А и при липса на душа, няма много смисъл. Inside jokes for the win. Time for bed, because Monday. I don't even need to explain that one. Just go with it. 

14 юни, 2017

existential crisis

A year ago
Shopping for prom
Looking awful
Throwing sugar at me

Beginnings like this will always live within the deepest parts of what's left of my soul. And so will their endings. It is a bit of a paradox that endings live but they do. They are all dressed in the words I never said when I wanted to, wearing the make up of stolen kisses when the lights were off and the smiles when they weren't. Scented in french and coffee. Some things will always mean too much. By things I mean people and all the memories that came with them. By memories I mean the daily whirlpool that drowns my sanity, always at the back of my mind. Not a day goes by where I don't miss things, I don't want things and I don't regret them.
Ask me if I regret agreeing to go there in the first place and I can't give you an answer. I am so deeply and eternally grateful to know him... I am. But I'd live much easier if I didn't know if someone like him even existed. Even with all his moods and crappy character. Even with all the ghosts because those make us real. 
Am I unreal because I don't have a ghost? Or am I the ghost in my own life?

10 юни, 2017

midnight stories

Всеки път когато се сетя за теб си мисля три неща:

-Как си?
-Какво правиш?
-Липсваш ми.

Всеки път когато ти пиша стигам само до първите две.

04 юни, 2017

devil in me

It's exams time and I still live too much and sleep too little. Well, the beginning of last month was promising but didn't turn out so well. This one also starts promising and I've got plenty of things happening. I wanted this to be my art summer and that is still the plan but I wonder if I'll be able to find time for that any time soon. I'll start making a playlist for the car and start planning on all the places I want to go to. 
Also, people are weird. I've been filling the holes in my soul with people and well... I'm not doing so well with that but it helps a lot to always be busy and always be in touch. I knew getting over it would be difficult but I'm just as in as I ever was and that scares me. Because I make plans and well... I shouldn't, right? It's so masochistic of me, I know. Well, that's always the case.
Otherwise I do plan on making a website where I'd put all my art stuff. I promise this place will remain as it is and will still be my dark place where I hide my demons. 
Halsey made me cry over her new album, which is amazing. I can't wait to learn all the songs and I just love her voice while singing the lyrics. 
My moving out plans are a failure so far, as is my life every now and then. It's weird that I love working but I miss having time for myself. I want to push myself so much more yet I realize that I barely get enough sleep as it is. And the exams are not helping me with that at all. I make plans with people, I go out all the time and well... I need more time. Of course when I do have time to myself, I waste it on TV series and music but hey, we all need to chill every now and then. 
Plus my doctor's hell is still not over which well... Just my luck.
I'm just playing around with everything I've got and I've stopped being careful with a lot of things and people. I miss having the time to read books like "The Selection" series. I'd love to read The Mara Dyer trilogy again, especially with the new books about Noah coming up. And also Cassandra Clare has another book coming up where I'd be dying over Emma and Jules. 
It's always the one thing you don't have that seems to overshadow everything and everyone else.

14 май, 2017

eyes closed

Turns out that living instead of writing is awesome. The last two weeks have been crazy with people and exciting things, lots of pictures, adventures, wine tasting. I can't get enough of everything. I've had plenty of time for friends, old and new, sleepless nights, pizza and a movie here and there. Life is good when you don't really have the time to notice the things that are slowly changing.
I find myself thinking some of the weirdest things lately, having flashbacks of the previous week and wanting some more of it. Reckless has always looked good on me and I might as well enjoy it while I can. I've decided to make this a trial period and not really think about how things will
play out in the future. 
It's weird you know... I barely know you and we've had some moments. I know if I had the chance to spend more time with you I'd like you too much. So I don't. But I'm secretly hoping you want that enough to push things. But like not too much, because now is not the time and I'm too much of a mess for that. Weird doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm like a doll... You press one hand and I say "Love me!" while when you press the other one you hear "Leave me alone!" instead. Contradictions have always been my specialty. 
Of all the times to post pictures ... Why now? I had a bit of a WTF moment a while ago and I'm still getting used to the idea of it. I read this book "Alisa and Friday night" and I liked some of it, mostly the epic quotes hidden among the storied which were not that good. Anyway, I've been thinking that I should start writing again because I've been feeling like a blogger and not a writer for a while now. Not that it's a bad thing but I've already done the writing a book thing. I know how it goes and it's not that hard once you get to it. So I might as well do that instead of having these weird ideas in my head of possibilities. I'm not ready for another place crash and I'm not sure I will ever be again. So, yeah, this whole not caring and being reckless helps. Not sleeping at my place helps too. Being tucked into bed while you're sleeping... It's the little things. I'm making memories basically. And my plans only go as far as the next couple of days. That's as far as I need to be looking for now.  
I'm not saying I don't miss things and people. I do. I'm sometimes dying to text and ask them out. But I don't. It takes two to screw things up. It takes two to keep things going and I'm not making any more efforts. If you want to be in my life, find a way. If not, well nothing I am going to do about it.
Oh and ... I really didn't mean to get you into this as I already said but I kinda need to mention it here as well. I won't be torturing you anymore. I'll do my best to make things better. 

30 април, 2017


Remember when we were at your place, I think the last time I'm ever going to be there and you played that Greek song. I took a picture of you. Well, I took lots of pictures over the last couple of months but it's been over ten days... And it feels like a whole new life which I'm not sure I like just yet. I made my roommate find that sticky note you left for her that first time you ever came to my place. I think my room knows too much and it will be hard to leave it all behind if I have to do it soon. I didn't wait till May and I'm not sure if I'm glad or sad about it. Instead I'm out all day, out till it's tomorrow, I don't sleep too much and don't really have time to come home and cry about stuff. Which is why I got today all to myself, decided to delete all the pictures from my phone and cried about it. 
Meanwhile I'm back to old habits which I guess was the only way to get over it in the first place. If you can ever get over something that never was (and never will be, as the song goes). I don't want to belong, I don't want to make plans and decide stuff. I plan to be reckless with myself yet again and enjoy every moment of it. 
As a whole, I'm not sure what to do and I'm wandering trough my life unsure of everything. I wonder if I like my job, if I like where I live, if I should move, change careers, if it all means something or not. I mean, who cares what I do and where I live. These are just details. Well, okay. I care. But who the hell am I? I think that is the most important question and I can't for the life of me find the right answer. I know very well who and what I am not. I know it by heart already and yet the lesson repeats itself. I am not even surprised anymore. 
Well, it's the little things that kill me as usual. They used to make feel whole. Like the songs, the pictures, the quotes... Which I am actively getting rid of. Why be reminded of all the things that prove you were not good enough when you know it all too well by now. Well, fuck it. 

24 април, 2017

when i can't sleep

That other time when we were out with out friend it was almost impossible to look at you without feeling this ache in my chest. I remember not wanting to come at all because I knew it would be too much. Everything is lately. It hurt to look at you and do just that and nothing else. Just like it hurt to hug you when we were saying goodbye. 
You know, it also hurt when I had made all those perfect plans and even came back early so everything could be set up just so you can quit on me yet again. I barely made it home before I actually fell to the floor and cried for the first time in a long time. I cried and I felt so angry at myself for trying so hard and still not being good enough. I said some pretty harsh things then. And I totally blew it afterwards by finally writing down everything because you figured it would be too much to talk in person. Well, it still was. Which is why I cried again like the big baby I am. And I cried and wept for an hour and a half after reading what you had to say. I remember trying to find someone to talk to so I'd stop crying and would focus on something else. And then the days started coming one after the other until Saturday when I came to that lecture even though I could barely keep my eyes open. I stayed, I listened and watched and that same ache numbed me. I kept looking at you wondering if you'd look back and you did, time and again. Then we walked down the stairs as if nothing had happened and well, it didn't after all. 
I miss you, you know. I miss sending you pictures and asking you how your days was. I miss making plans because it's what I do best. If I wasn't so scared to actually start a conversation and of course I didn't know you were out playing I would have told you how awesome today was because I learned the other batch and I would have told you about the crazy idea of being a marketing assistant where you work. And yes, that will completely blow things over and will make me seem desperate. Which makes me hate myself for telling you everything so early when I'll be moving next month and things will finally start to happen. But in the same time I knew I never wanted to feel that misery of failed plans and being so disappointed in someone I care so deeply about. 
I would have told you that I will be moving out and I would have asked your opinion on work, on moving ... On everything really. I think I always make sure I screw up big time so I no longer have any right to make more plans, steps or whatever. Well, I did. And it's not even May yet. I would have told you that I even feel sad about moving so soon and questioning my decision. I'd tell you how it feels like all my life had passed here in this little room that somehow knows me all too well and will hold so much of memories. 
You know, I'd tell you so many things if I could. But at some point nothing I say matters anymore. Nothing I do matters either. My expiration date comes way too soon these days and I feel too sad to even be happy about the things that are happening. 

15 април, 2017

for handing you a heart worth breaking

Guess who is having a great week! Since it doesn't really happen that often and it won't last I decided to make a more permanent memory of this week so that I can come back to it after Sunday. I love my job, I exceed requirements and write guides. I am on top of my game, learning new things and having the world. In the mean time, I had an awesome weekend with my BFF where we talked till 7 in the morning, laughed a lot and well who needs sleep, right. I got awesome friends as a whole, my English classes are amazing and even though I'm pretty tired after work when I go there, they turn out to be fun and I completely forget that I'm tired and need to sleep. On top of that I thought the world will be falling down on me on Tuesday and it didn't. Well, it's not great in that aspect but it will either get better or worse and after having such a great week I'm waiting for the downfall and trying to prepare for it without ruining the happiness I gathered these days. My colleagues at work are also amazing and I love spending our breaks together. I got to see my one and only made of honor and she is also amazing. The whole thing may have failed but I got to be friends with this awesome girl and I can never ever regret that. My sis is also kicking ass at her new job. The other night we were trying to finish the puzzle I gave her for her birthday and listening to pop folk because... Well I wasn't in charge of the music. Then I finally got my diploma. It's been happiness overload for a while now I guess. Oh and today I got to drive my car and finally felt comfortable doing it, even if I never actually get my car to Sofia because of reasons I don't feel like writing about. 
I know this whole euphoric feeling won't last and the end of the week with my epic plans will be the end of it and of lots of other things. I've been preparing for it for a while now. I mean, I've been through a slutty period of my own (exaggerating a lot here) and I know that when it's not the right time there is nothing you can do about it. I'm just sort of sick of all the excuses people find not to make some effort and make things work. I would have. Hell, I have. Not that it turned out so great but trying beats the hell out of not trying any day. You never know when that thing you try might turn out to be the thing you needed all this time. 
Well, my epic plans usually crush and burn so may I not be as pathetic as usually and walk away without trying to fight for something that was never meant to be in the first place. Not now anyway. And with my luck, probably not ever.  

10 април, 2017

only makes me love you more

They say that when your soul is young you need to be reborn plenty of times in order to learn all your lessons. I must be a pretty young soul all things considered. Tonight is the first night I ever felt like lighting a cigarette and feeling helpless. It sucks when someone you care about is not okay and there is nothing you can do to help but to give them space because that is what they want. 
Other than that I'm walking to the grand finale and trying to figure out what to say in order not to end things but to end them nonetheless. As if that is possible. I'm reliving last year and preparing because I've decided yet again that things should end in May. And I need all the time I can get to prepare because you're never ready to end something when you wanted it to last at least a lifetime.
The dark hole I live in is getting bigger in some aspects. I'm hitting rock bottom any time now. All the plans in the world won't make things work out no matter how bad I want them to. And I'm losing a friend which is what I hate most about my idiot of a heart which decides to fall here and there for awesome people who happen to me but who I never happen to. 
It's a good things I have good friends who will yet again be there for me when the world ends. It did a long time ago but I'm having a hard time giving up. Basically this week is going to be a preparation for May and I should have gone to bed by now but I can't. I did have a friends weekend. Talking with my BFF till 7 in the morning was something I missed and something I look forward to. I'd very much like it if we could skip this year and move on to the next one, please. I had enough already and I'm not prepared to lose any more important people. In the same time I'm not okay being in between and being just friends with someone who I want for way more than that. I'm selfish for wanting it all and I'll get what I deserve pretty soon. Like he said today, we learn our lessons and then we're on to the next one. 
Just ended a friendship that I guess was never really one because of feelings on the other side. I can't help but think that it would be the same pretty soon but because the feelings on my side. Why is it that the best thing that can ever happen, meaning knowing that you're still alive inside and able to feel in suck a way, turns out to be the thing that makes you lose friends and break whatever is left of you. I am defined by the things I never have. Not for long anyway. It ends or it doesn't. 

02 април, 2017

or right after coffee

I thought I need to say it louder and more clear. But I'm saying it with every single thing I do. Even the little inside jokes, the wanting to discuss important things with you, making plans and wanting you to be a part of them. I keep saying it and you just don't listen. 
It does get from better to worse for me in that aspect. I'm just as in as you'll ever be out as the song goes. Meaning, I'm so friend-zoned that the universe is literally laughing at me with this whole thing. 
I survived a week of two jobs, lectures and plenty of responsibility. I even got a new job offer on top of that but I don't think I'll be trying for it. I like things the way they are in that area of my life. Next week will be hell but I'll survive somehow. I always do. 
I feel like either turning to my dark side or making a complete idiot of myself yet again. It will be one or the other because this in between thing and staying friends is seriously kicking my behind and making me not want to get out of bed. What was I thinking really? Things don't just happen because you want them to. Today was proof that well... It's time I got over it already. I can say it thousand times and it won't change a thing. I can be as sweet and awesome as always and it still won't matter. It's the story of my life after all. Why should it change all of a sudden?
I had an awesome day despite the panic lingering in the back of my mind. I made great pictures and was out with a friend who is going through the same thanks to me. I guess I deserve my hell.

25 март, 2017

lilac sky

Weirdly enough all my stuffed animals are in my old room with me. It feels a bit odd to have them here, because they belong to my current room. Well, they needed some washing so there is that. Now they smell fresh and will be travelling back with me in two days. 
In the mean time I did some writing on the book he and the TV show he showed me inspired. I've been able to sense the perfume I'm wearing all day. It's not the same as the one I think of right now but it brings me back to a time when you decided weirdly enough to pick my favorite one and spray it on your black T-shirt. Then we watched a movie and you made me lie close to you or directly on you so that I'd be able to sense my own damn perfume on you. Whenever I smell it, it always brings back the feel of the soft cloth under my fingers warmed up by your skin underneath and the taste of coffee that I got from your lips. You know, I don't remember much of the movie but hiding for the (not so) scary part and having your hands in my hair was one of the most vivid memories I get. And the weird way you made me kiss you by asking me if I'd do everything you do and kissing me. No, it was actually proving that I won't do it. Then you pulled back and kept watching the movie as if nothing happened. Well, it did. So I kissed you back, of course. I can't decide if that's how it all started or if it was when we first met and you threw sugar at me and I noticed the way your eyes gave that spark of fire I told you about. They still do sometimes like in that favorite picture of mine which you refused to upload. 
It feels a bit strange to be remembering stuff that happened half a year ago as vividly as if they happened yesterday and I won't be able to ever forget what sleeping in your arms felt like for that first night and how happy and scared I felt when I got up the next they, told you goodbye and started to get ready for work. I remember smelling the perfume again and remembering it all over again, wondering if it actually happened. I know we talked back then and I knew how scared and uncertain you were. I wish I'd stopped it all back then. But I also remember how I didn't actually start it. You did. An interesting idea comes to my sick and twisted mind at the thought of this. You were the one who kept it going and who also kept saying it's nothing. What if I did the same to you? I wonder if that will keep you up at night thinking of me the way I think of you more often than I'd ever care to admit. You wanted me not to trick you, which means I can easily do that. Otherwise you wouldn't have warned me. And trust me, I'd never do anything to hurt you. But this... Well it could fix us both if you have enough faith. I know I do. 
I'd have already started drinking coffee just to remember what kissing you felt like if only it wouldn't make me crazy. Well, not that I am too sane now. 

14 март, 2017

everything ends eventually

I can't believe I forgot about it but here it is. I remember lying beside you, in your UNWE T-shirt because it's the only one you're willing to share and it's an added joke to me being a SU student. Anyway, I lie down beside you and my eyes are heavy with sleep but I force myself to stay awake just for a little longer. I try to memorize the room in the darkness, the way you're letting me sleep almost in the middle of the bed (though I am quite small and easy to move). I keep my hand on your arm, gently drawing lines helping you relax and fall asleep easily. You purr instead, almost like a kitten under my touch and you lean closer. My arm rests on your chest and I'm faintly feeling your pulse until you turn facing me but keeping your eyes closed and trying to actually fall asleep. Instead you come even closer, leaning in after my every touch and your breathing become shallow and a bit uneven. I close my eyes, pretending I'm falling asleep as well though that's the last thing on my mind. My senses are painfully aware of the closeness between us but I stand still, afraid to open my eyes and see you looking at me in the darkness. A smile threatens to play at my lips but I keep still, not daring to move, let alone smile. Then I taste the sweetness of your breath as you come even closer and your nose touches mine. I'm desperately fighting with the demons in my head saying I should make the distance disappear and the angels telling me to hold still. And I do. Hold still I mean. My hand keeps touching your skin, the back of your head where your hair ends. I make the same movement, not daring to let it show. Because if I did, you'd see right through me. Then all the thinking disappears as your lips crush into mine and your hands find their way to my body until we are tangled in one another, not sure where one ends and the other begins. The intensity grows, comes and goes in waves. We are all over each other and it's as if we're underwater, not aware of anything else around. Then we come up for air, gasping, whispering something to each other but mostly wanting nothing else but to drown in the sweet impossibility of it all. At some point the ocean settles, the storm passes and so do we, no longer desperate and in denial about the feelings we might have. Sleep comes a bit afterwards when I no longer have the strength to draw lines over your skin or to watch you while you fall asleep. Still, we are in each other's arms, not wanting to let anything come between us, even if it's just the air we so desperately need every now and then. I'm vaguely aware that you're asleep already as you stir and startle in your own sleep as I know you usually do but I hold you a bit tighter and you seem to become calm again. 
The morning is a quiet event of getting dressed and ready for work. Weirdly enough you enjoy music early in the morning and you're usually annoyed by people around you but you seem to not be annoyed with me. It's weird to be woken up with a kiss and then not even hugged goodbye. But in our defense, it's way better to not talk about your weaknesses, isn't it. Why spoil the good memory with an awkward explanation when it can happen again afterwards.  

13 март, 2017

broken and made

So what if the books I read make me a hopeless romantic? I've always wanted a fairy tale and weirdly enough have always tried to make it look like one. My story, remember. All of it, with every decision there for a reason, even if the reason is that I'm stupid and haven't learned my lessons yet. 
I wrote it down. I write here, in the notebook, in the other notebook. I talk about it, I write about it until it's all out in the open, until it no longer has any effect on me. I'm having my overdose until I get sick of it and decide that I've had enough for good. That story goes backwards with you saying that you should have tried harder when the time was right. When I'm over it, which will take me a while, that's when you'll decide you want it. You want me. It's the irony that follows my life. Weirdly enough, I learned the lesson. I want better, thanks to reading books. I want it all, body and soul. I want it to be worth the effort and well, the time. Because I've wasted a lot of time chasing people, then their ghosts. I might as well start buying cats and dogs already. Instead the idea of moving seems more and more compelling and I might as well give in to it. Otherwise I'm still sidelined but way better. Going back to work will be the hardest task yet. Being on my own will be even harder but I'm willing to do my best as usual. 
Things will start to change pretty soon. I can feel it. It's supposed to get better for a change or I'll make it so anyway. The world and everything in it. Suddenly I matter again. I'm strong enough and I'm worth it, without having to explain or prove it anymore. 

11 март, 2017

midnight starlight

This time I'm writing it down, on purpose. The excuses, the empty promises, the pretending that nothing ever happened, the 'I'm protecting us both' stuff. I'm writing it down so I can get it out of my system and be done with it. I made a promise long time ago to not let anyone treat me this way. And then I had failed myself time and again because people need saving and if someone has to ave them, then why not that be me. Because at the end of the day, truth is I need saving and well, I'll be saving my own damn self as usual. 
I can't even remember clearly the last time we kissed, let alone the last time I saw you. I think it was at the crossroad when I was crossing it one way and you the other. And out of no where you decided to hold my hand because you didn't want to hug me but also didn't want to just say goodbye. As for the kissing, it must have been that night when it was raining and we watched Suits. I was cold and asked you to warm me up. Then, as we were falling asleep you leaned in close, hesitating... And well those are the things we don't talk about. Because if we do, they are real and if they're real then they have to mean something. 
Of course I won't be mad at you. It's me I should be mad at for letting you do this over and over again. It's the thing that makes and breaks me as usual that helps me forget how pointless and broken I actually feel most of the time. Nothing matters anyway. I can go through all of hell for nothing and it won't mean a thing to anyone. I've been sidelined and pushed back years back with this whole not being allowed to make a decision for myself and yet... No one cares. I've been sort of losing my mind slowly and well... Surprise! Who cares?! 
I guess I must have mastered the pretending part. A class act indeed when I feel like screaming but I smile instead. I fall apart and get blamed for it. No wonder I have trust issues. And issues period actually. I needed you, you know. I used our date today as a reward for surviving yesterday which was hands down the worst day so far. And I've had plenty of bad days this year. 
Remember the five things... Well I pretty much have none right now. It was good to be back and seeing some familiar faces. I'd like more of that. It felt so normal to ride the bus, go to a lecture, be with a friend, laugh over stupid jokes. It felt like my life again. I felt like myself, even if it was just for a little while. Of everything I've lost I still miss myself the most. And my sanity. I'd give it all up just to be that girl who got married without her parents knowing. The one who went to Sofia without them ever finding out. The one crazy enough to survive everything and still be okay with it. 

27 февруари, 2017

it's that I do

Half a year ago I was going to the same place I've been in the last couple of days. And then I was looking forward to everything because you said you want it all too. Then as my life goes, things changed completely. Now, half a year later I'm still just as in as I was back then if not more. And you're just as out as you wanted to be. I would call this irony but I ain't laughing. In fact, everything went south from there to a point way too familiar where I question my own sanity and I keep asking what kind of doctor I haven't yet seen this year. I thing I already broke last year's record.
I wish things could go back to normal and I could very much go back to normal and love, candy and all that. Like Eady says, I can be a queen and still like flowers, meaning I can do it all. It's just that sometimes it seems too much to handle for a while and then I can see the road again. Well, I want to be able to see it already. All of it. Or at least most.
Ironically I got a new form of self-destruction, this time not of my own doing. Biology sucks as Meredith says. It determines way too much of our lives and screws us up before we even have the chance to deserve it. 
It's not that I'm over it in any way. It's not that I don't want it all with you. I think I'll yet again realize that the things that never were define most of it. It will always be something I want because it's something I can never have. I'm still only as close as you let me and just when I hear the click happen you pull back yet again. Well, I'm fine with it. I got plenty to worry about anyway. I guess my point is that I'm scared too, I've been hurt too, more than I care to admit. So I'd never do anything to hurt you. Even if that means staying away and not trying. 

03 февруари, 2017

I stand alone

When I said this year would suck, I had no idea it would be this bad. I think it doesn't matter where I am anymore the way it used to back then. Distance is just a fucked up excuse as usual. I can get over plenty of things but I don't allow myself to be vulnerable and weak in front of many people. In fact, just a few. You were one of them and I promise it won't happen again. I won't allow you to ignore me, to come and go as you please and to pretend none of it ever happened. I said I'd be here whatever happens but maybe I shouldn't be. 
It's been terrible few days with lots of horrible moments and some more of those to come knowing my luck. I'm still not well enough to get back to work and still have no real idea what the hell is wrong with me. Results will be up on Monday and I will be missing some exams. 
You know, I had this lovely idea in my head that I'd find someone just as fucked up as I am, just as scared and broken. And somehow because of me he'd be willing to give it a chance and work with me to fix things. To fix ourselves, you know. Some people are worth even trying for. That idea is something I'd rather give up now. Because I've done the whole fixing plenty of times and trying to fix yourself and someone else at the same time usually means getting even more hurt and broken up then before so I've had my fair share of it. 
Maybe it's okay to not belong. It's okay to not have it all, for now at least. I wonder who in their right mind would have me and then I realize that I've put up with way more crap over the years than my own self can create for someone. Maybe there's hope for me too. 
In the mean time I do have a new project to try and focus on, I will have plenty to catch up on when this is all over. And I don't have the time and the energy, and well, the heart to handle any more fifty shades of fucked up. I'm fine, thanks for not asking and not being here when I needed you the most. It is my fault and it won't happen again. Even my pathetic crush has a limit and I know the perfect way to finally get it over with. If only I can get better and get back to work, projects and exciting new things. 

25 януари, 2017

real or not real

So, I've been sidelined almost an entire month now. My sanity has gone to hell along with my health. And I can't seem to find myself these days. For whatever reason sleep only comes when it's late at night or early in the morning if you prefer. And it comes with apocalyptic dreams of weirdness. I'm guessing I needed a timeout. Well, not that big of a timeout. But had I not been here and had I not lost some of whatever's left of my sanity I wouldn't have found another way out and even the possibility of being my old self without almost any trace of the insanity. Okay, it is only a possibility, a small one at that with my luck. But just the idea of it makes me so excited. I could be anything, do anything, go anywhere I want. It would be amazing if it works.
Otherwise, the option to finally get over whatever feelings I may have presents itself yet again. I'm scared it won't work the way I want it to but for now I will really try and step back. I've allowed myself to rely on said feelings and the person responsible for them for the time being because I simply needed it. But as I am getting better, I need to be on my own and be okay with it. He could have said it way better in my place though I am the writer. Well, I wanted things to change for better or for worse. They did a little. But I can't allow myself to dwell on the idea of us when the reality is just me escaping my insanity and him dealing with his past. I will skip the romantic notions of fixing each other because hell, we can't even fix ourselves. Not that I would have minded in any way.
I think even my best getting over strategy will fail me this time. And that's what scares me. 

24 януари, 2017


Maybe there is hope for me somewhere. At least that's what I'm choosing to believe for now. Until the world decided to fuck me up some more that is. Or maybe I will kick its behind and not get fucked up. Well, more than I already am.
I know I said writing was pretty done with me, but some stories keep living inside my head and are begging me to finish them. Maybe I will give it a try still I'm still housebound and can't give into photography and other stuff. At some point I think I read too much epic books and figured that anything I have to say, someone has already said it, and in a much better way. But then again I did make my English teacher cry with one of my short stories. Maybe there is still hope for me there. Also, I was given the idea of trying to go abroad, which had I not been the crazy person I am (not in the good way), I would have been dying to do. I still consider it sometimes but decide that it would be too much of an effort and well, I lack the sanity for it. 
Damn, you have no idea what it means to me that we talk more now. I love being the person you tell when you had a great day. Or even a bad day, so I can try to make it better. So what if I'm not the love of your life? Though that is not certain yet. I am somebody's. But until he shows up... I'm all yours. 
Or I guess until I decide to give up the innocent act, get better and relive the first half of last year. I'd very much like to do so if I can. If I can't have what I want most, the second best thing would be this. Plus there is some irony in having the illusion of something instead of the thing itself. It's what I usually get. Always this close and never quite close enough. I can't wait for the day when that turns around and I have it all and I am the one. The last one that is. 
Gossip girl is turning me into a romantic idiot and oh, February is too close. I may not be... But maybe someday I will. Until then I will have all the inspiration I want. Art comes from sadness right. If only it wasn't so hard to write about the things that make you sad. Because writing it down makes it real and usually makes you realize that things are over. And they are not yet, not for me anyway. Even if I will never be her... Insert irony for this seems to be the story of my life. 

16 януари, 2017

almost here

It hit me. Right then and there. I've also done that. Trying to keep someone away from me, afraid that I don't deserve them and that I'm not good enough or fixed enough for them. I have in fact used those same words, I think. I regret not keeping my walls higher back then and letting that someone get hurt by being too close and involving him in the mess that had been my life back then. I knew I was going to screw it up and warned him but he didn't listen and ended up hurt. 
So I should have no trouble understanding why he keeps me away from himself. And by all means, I should listen and stay the hell away. Only, I never do. I've been trying to move on for a few months now and I keep getting back and finding excuses. Just when I finally step back, he follows and it's back to square one. 
I had this funny idea about picking one day of the month where this gets to be real without the hold ups and the consequences. I wonder if I can get along with it and for how long. No questions asked, no more and no less than what it was up until now. Just one day where I get to have him. If he'll have me back that is.
The other day I had a chat with one of my girls and we talked about stuff as usual. Then as usual we discuss relationships because she has one and I don't but I do give good advice I hope. And she is telling me to just move on, let it go already. Then she asks me if I'll feel this way if I do and for how long. The funniest thought came. I always get over things because they happen. All of my stories are real, never just possibilities. With this one exception that is going to remain. He will be the one I almost had. The one I got close to and got away. She has one as well and warned me about it. I never had such a story before. I usually get to the end of things one way or the other. This can't end because it never was. Not really. 
And as fate would have it, when I'm finally almost over (as almost is always a key word in those stories) he will show up out of nowhere. Because they always do. I wish I knew how the story goes. I hope it does...
For the record, something feels different. As if not everything is lost. But what do I know. I've been wrong before. 

02 януари, 2017

space is just a word

As a promise that this year won't be any less screwed up, I had a dream about him seeing the tattoo and asking about it. How do you explain to people that your tattoos are representations of your stages in life? Like ... It's really not you, it's me. Anyway, then there was a moment when we were riding a bus (because why not) and he sat real close saying that he's in for real. Then I protested because there is some sanity left in there and the moment was over. 
Then, as usual, I broke my promise and reached out first only to yet again be an idiot and complain about how every conversation starts with my idiocy and well, I shouldn't have said anything. The radio silence afterwards says it all. No, sunshine. You are not always like that. You used to find reasons to talk to me all the time. I'm just an idiot and attach too easily and fall for such crap. Well, I will do my best not to do it anymore. Radio silence is a game two can play. And this is so 2016.
Otherwise I did get to make some awesome pictures, including one of the fireworks, as little as they were. And I'm still sick and not sure if I'm going back to Sofia tomorrow. Plus my insanity shows every now and then and I'm hoping I get to fixing it pretty soon before it gets out of hand.