25 януари, 2017

real or not real

So, I've been sidelined almost an entire month now. My sanity has gone to hell along with my health. And I can't seem to find myself these days. For whatever reason sleep only comes when it's late at night or early in the morning if you prefer. And it comes with apocalyptic dreams of weirdness. I'm guessing I needed a timeout. Well, not that big of a timeout. But had I not been here and had I not lost some of whatever's left of my sanity I wouldn't have found another way out and even the possibility of being my old self without almost any trace of the insanity. Okay, it is only a possibility, a small one at that with my luck. But just the idea of it makes me so excited. I could be anything, do anything, go anywhere I want. It would be amazing if it works.
Otherwise, the option to finally get over whatever feelings I may have presents itself yet again. I'm scared it won't work the way I want it to but for now I will really try and step back. I've allowed myself to rely on said feelings and the person responsible for them for the time being because I simply needed it. But as I am getting better, I need to be on my own and be okay with it. He could have said it way better in my place though I am the writer. Well, I wanted things to change for better or for worse. They did a little. But I can't allow myself to dwell on the idea of us when the reality is just me escaping my insanity and him dealing with his past. I will skip the romantic notions of fixing each other because hell, we can't even fix ourselves. Not that I would have minded in any way.
I think even my best getting over strategy will fail me this time. And that's what scares me. 

24 януари, 2017


Maybe there is hope for me somewhere. At least that's what I'm choosing to believe for now. Until the world decided to fuck me up some more that is. Or maybe I will kick its behind and not get fucked up. Well, more than I already am.
I know I said writing was pretty done with me, but some stories keep living inside my head and are begging me to finish them. Maybe I will give it a try still I'm still housebound and can't give into photography and other stuff. At some point I think I read too much epic books and figured that anything I have to say, someone has already said it, and in a much better way. But then again I did make my English teacher cry with one of my short stories. Maybe there is still hope for me there. Also, I was given the idea of trying to go abroad, which had I not been the crazy person I am (not in the good way), I would have been dying to do. I still consider it sometimes but decide that it would be too much of an effort and well, I lack the sanity for it. 
Damn, you have no idea what it means to me that we talk more now. I love being the person you tell when you had a great day. Or even a bad day, so I can try to make it better. So what if I'm not the love of your life? Though that is not certain yet. I am somebody's. But until he shows up... I'm all yours. 
Or I guess until I decide to give up the innocent act, get better and relive the first half of last year. I'd very much like to do so if I can. If I can't have what I want most, the second best thing would be this. Plus there is some irony in having the illusion of something instead of the thing itself. It's what I usually get. Always this close and never quite close enough. I can't wait for the day when that turns around and I have it all and I am the one. The last one that is. 
Gossip girl is turning me into a romantic idiot and oh, February is too close. I may not be... But maybe someday I will. Until then I will have all the inspiration I want. Art comes from sadness right. If only it wasn't so hard to write about the things that make you sad. Because writing it down makes it real and usually makes you realize that things are over. And they are not yet, not for me anyway. Even if I will never be her... Insert irony for this seems to be the story of my life. 

16 януари, 2017

almost here

It hit me. Right then and there. I've also done that. Trying to keep someone away from me, afraid that I don't deserve them and that I'm not good enough or fixed enough for them. I have in fact used those same words, I think. I regret not keeping my walls higher back then and letting that someone get hurt by being too close and involving him in the mess that had been my life back then. I knew I was going to screw it up and warned him but he didn't listen and ended up hurt. 
So I should have no trouble understanding why he keeps me away from himself. And by all means, I should listen and stay the hell away. Only, I never do. I've been trying to move on for a few months now and I keep getting back and finding excuses. Just when I finally step back, he follows and it's back to square one. 
I had this funny idea about picking one day of the month where this gets to be real without the hold ups and the consequences. I wonder if I can get along with it and for how long. No questions asked, no more and no less than what it was up until now. Just one day where I get to have him. If he'll have me back that is.
The other day I had a chat with one of my girls and we talked about stuff as usual. Then as usual we discuss relationships because she has one and I don't but I do give good advice I hope. And she is telling me to just move on, let it go already. Then she asks me if I'll feel this way if I do and for how long. The funniest thought came. I always get over things because they happen. All of my stories are real, never just possibilities. With this one exception that is going to remain. He will be the one I almost had. The one I got close to and got away. She has one as well and warned me about it. I never had such a story before. I usually get to the end of things one way or the other. This can't end because it never was. Not really. 
And as fate would have it, when I'm finally almost over (as almost is always a key word in those stories) he will show up out of nowhere. Because they always do. I wish I knew how the story goes. I hope it does...
For the record, something feels different. As if not everything is lost. But what do I know. I've been wrong before. 

02 януари, 2017

space is just a word

As a promise that this year won't be any less screwed up, I had a dream about him seeing the tattoo and asking about it. How do you explain to people that your tattoos are representations of your stages in life? Like ... It's really not you, it's me. Anyway, then there was a moment when we were riding a bus (because why not) and he sat real close saying that he's in for real. Then I protested because there is some sanity left in there and the moment was over. 
Then, as usual, I broke my promise and reached out first only to yet again be an idiot and complain about how every conversation starts with my idiocy and well, I shouldn't have said anything. The radio silence afterwards says it all. No, sunshine. You are not always like that. You used to find reasons to talk to me all the time. I'm just an idiot and attach too easily and fall for such crap. Well, I will do my best not to do it anymore. Radio silence is a game two can play. And this is so 2016.
Otherwise I did get to make some awesome pictures, including one of the fireworks, as little as they were. And I'm still sick and not sure if I'm going back to Sofia tomorrow. Plus my insanity shows every now and then and I'm hoping I get to fixing it pretty soon before it gets out of hand.