16 януари, 2017

almost here

It hit me. Right then and there. I've also done that. Trying to keep someone away from me, afraid that I don't deserve them and that I'm not good enough or fixed enough for them. I have in fact used those same words, I think. I regret not keeping my walls higher back then and letting that someone get hurt by being too close and involving him in the mess that had been my life back then. I knew I was going to screw it up and warned him but he didn't listen and ended up hurt. 
So I should have no trouble understanding why he keeps me away from himself. And by all means, I should listen and stay the hell away. Only, I never do. I've been trying to move on for a few months now and I keep getting back and finding excuses. Just when I finally step back, he follows and it's back to square one. 
I had this funny idea about picking one day of the month where this gets to be real without the hold ups and the consequences. I wonder if I can get along with it and for how long. No questions asked, no more and no less than what it was up until now. Just one day where I get to have him. If he'll have me back that is.
The other day I had a chat with one of my girls and we talked about stuff as usual. Then as usual we discuss relationships because she has one and I don't but I do give good advice I hope. And she is telling me to just move on, let it go already. Then she asks me if I'll feel this way if I do and for how long. The funniest thought came. I always get over things because they happen. All of my stories are real, never just possibilities. With this one exception that is going to remain. He will be the one I almost had. The one I got close to and got away. She has one as well and warned me about it. I never had such a story before. I usually get to the end of things one way or the other. This can't end because it never was. Not really. 
And as fate would have it, when I'm finally almost over (as almost is always a key word in those stories) he will show up out of nowhere. Because they always do. I wish I knew how the story goes. I hope it does...
For the record, something feels different. As if not everything is lost. But what do I know. I've been wrong before. 

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