25 януари, 2017

real or not real

So, I've been sidelined almost an entire month now. My sanity has gone to hell along with my health. And I can't seem to find myself these days. For whatever reason sleep only comes when it's late at night or early in the morning if you prefer. And it comes with apocalyptic dreams of weirdness. I'm guessing I needed a timeout. Well, not that big of a timeout. But had I not been here and had I not lost some of whatever's left of my sanity I wouldn't have found another way out and even the possibility of being my old self without almost any trace of the insanity. Okay, it is only a possibility, a small one at that with my luck. But just the idea of it makes me so excited. I could be anything, do anything, go anywhere I want. It would be amazing if it works.
Otherwise, the option to finally get over whatever feelings I may have presents itself yet again. I'm scared it won't work the way I want it to but for now I will really try and step back. I've allowed myself to rely on said feelings and the person responsible for them for the time being because I simply needed it. But as I am getting better, I need to be on my own and be okay with it. He could have said it way better in my place though I am the writer. Well, I wanted things to change for better or for worse. They did a little. But I can't allow myself to dwell on the idea of us when the reality is just me escaping my insanity and him dealing with his past. I will skip the romantic notions of fixing each other because hell, we can't even fix ourselves. Not that I would have minded in any way.
I think even my best getting over strategy will fail me this time. And that's what scares me. 

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