27 февруари, 2017

it's that I do

Half a year ago I was going to the same place I've been in the last couple of days. And then I was looking forward to everything because you said you want it all too. Then as my life goes, things changed completely. Now, half a year later I'm still just as in as I was back then if not more. And you're just as out as you wanted to be. I would call this irony but I ain't laughing. In fact, everything went south from there to a point way too familiar where I question my own sanity and I keep asking what kind of doctor I haven't yet seen this year. I thing I already broke last year's record.
I wish things could go back to normal and I could very much go back to normal and love, candy and all that. Like Eady says, I can be a queen and still like flowers, meaning I can do it all. It's just that sometimes it seems too much to handle for a while and then I can see the road again. Well, I want to be able to see it already. All of it. Or at least most.
Ironically I got a new form of self-destruction, this time not of my own doing. Biology sucks as Meredith says. It determines way too much of our lives and screws us up before we even have the chance to deserve it. 
It's not that I'm over it in any way. It's not that I don't want it all with you. I think I'll yet again realize that the things that never were define most of it. It will always be something I want because it's something I can never have. I'm still only as close as you let me and just when I hear the click happen you pull back yet again. Well, I'm fine with it. I got plenty to worry about anyway. I guess my point is that I'm scared too, I've been hurt too, more than I care to admit. So I'd never do anything to hurt you. Even if that means staying away and not trying. 

03 февруари, 2017

I stand alone

When I said this year would suck, I had no idea it would be this bad. I think it doesn't matter where I am anymore the way it used to back then. Distance is just a fucked up excuse as usual. I can get over plenty of things but I don't allow myself to be vulnerable and weak in front of many people. In fact, just a few. You were one of them and I promise it won't happen again. I won't allow you to ignore me, to come and go as you please and to pretend none of it ever happened. I said I'd be here whatever happens but maybe I shouldn't be. 
It's been terrible few days with lots of horrible moments and some more of those to come knowing my luck. I'm still not well enough to get back to work and still have no real idea what the hell is wrong with me. Results will be up on Monday and I will be missing some exams. 
You know, I had this lovely idea in my head that I'd find someone just as fucked up as I am, just as scared and broken. And somehow because of me he'd be willing to give it a chance and work with me to fix things. To fix ourselves, you know. Some people are worth even trying for. That idea is something I'd rather give up now. Because I've done the whole fixing plenty of times and trying to fix yourself and someone else at the same time usually means getting even more hurt and broken up then before so I've had my fair share of it. 
Maybe it's okay to not belong. It's okay to not have it all, for now at least. I wonder who in their right mind would have me and then I realize that I've put up with way more crap over the years than my own self can create for someone. Maybe there's hope for me too. 
In the mean time I do have a new project to try and focus on, I will have plenty to catch up on when this is all over. And I don't have the time and the energy, and well, the heart to handle any more fifty shades of fucked up. I'm fine, thanks for not asking and not being here when I needed you the most. It is my fault and it won't happen again. Even my pathetic crush has a limit and I know the perfect way to finally get it over with. If only I can get better and get back to work, projects and exciting new things.