03 февруари, 2017

I stand alone

When I said this year would suck, I had no idea it would be this bad. I think it doesn't matter where I am anymore the way it used to back then. Distance is just a fucked up excuse as usual. I can get over plenty of things but I don't allow myself to be vulnerable and weak in front of many people. In fact, just a few. You were one of them and I promise it won't happen again. I won't allow you to ignore me, to come and go as you please and to pretend none of it ever happened. I said I'd be here whatever happens but maybe I shouldn't be. 
It's been terrible few days with lots of horrible moments and some more of those to come knowing my luck. I'm still not well enough to get back to work and still have no real idea what the hell is wrong with me. Results will be up on Monday and I will be missing some exams. 
You know, I had this lovely idea in my head that I'd find someone just as fucked up as I am, just as scared and broken. And somehow because of me he'd be willing to give it a chance and work with me to fix things. To fix ourselves, you know. Some people are worth even trying for. That idea is something I'd rather give up now. Because I've done the whole fixing plenty of times and trying to fix yourself and someone else at the same time usually means getting even more hurt and broken up then before so I've had my fair share of it. 
Maybe it's okay to not belong. It's okay to not have it all, for now at least. I wonder who in their right mind would have me and then I realize that I've put up with way more crap over the years than my own self can create for someone. Maybe there's hope for me too. 
In the mean time I do have a new project to try and focus on, I will have plenty to catch up on when this is all over. And I don't have the time and the energy, and well, the heart to handle any more fifty shades of fucked up. I'm fine, thanks for not asking and not being here when I needed you the most. It is my fault and it won't happen again. Even my pathetic crush has a limit and I know the perfect way to finally get it over with. If only I can get better and get back to work, projects and exciting new things. 

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