27 февруари, 2017

it's that I do

Half a year ago I was going to the same place I've been in the last couple of days. And then I was looking forward to everything because you said you want it all too. Then as my life goes, things changed completely. Now, half a year later I'm still just as in as I was back then if not more. And you're just as out as you wanted to be. I would call this irony but I ain't laughing. In fact, everything went south from there to a point way too familiar where I question my own sanity and I keep asking what kind of doctor I haven't yet seen this year. I thing I already broke last year's record.
I wish things could go back to normal and I could very much go back to normal and love, candy and all that. Like Eady says, I can be a queen and still like flowers, meaning I can do it all. It's just that sometimes it seems too much to handle for a while and then I can see the road again. Well, I want to be able to see it already. All of it. Or at least most.
Ironically I got a new form of self-destruction, this time not of my own doing. Biology sucks as Meredith says. It determines way too much of our lives and screws us up before we even have the chance to deserve it. 
It's not that I'm over it in any way. It's not that I don't want it all with you. I think I'll yet again realize that the things that never were define most of it. It will always be something I want because it's something I can never have. I'm still only as close as you let me and just when I hear the click happen you pull back yet again. Well, I'm fine with it. I got plenty to worry about anyway. I guess my point is that I'm scared too, I've been hurt too, more than I care to admit. So I'd never do anything to hurt you. Even if that means staying away and not trying. 

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