25 март, 2017

lilac sky

Weirdly enough all my stuffed animals are in my old room with me. It feels a bit odd to have them here, because they belong to my current room. Well, they needed some washing so there is that. Now they smell fresh and will be travelling back with me in two days. 
In the mean time I did some writing on the book he and the TV show he showed me inspired. I've been able to sense the perfume I'm wearing all day. It's not the same as the one I think of right now but it brings me back to a time when you decided weirdly enough to pick my favorite one and spray it on your black T-shirt. Then we watched a movie and you made me lie close to you or directly on you so that I'd be able to sense my own damn perfume on you. Whenever I smell it, it always brings back the feel of the soft cloth under my fingers warmed up by your skin underneath and the taste of coffee that I got from your lips. You know, I don't remember much of the movie but hiding for the (not so) scary part and having your hands in my hair was one of the most vivid memories I get. And the weird way you made me kiss you by asking me if I'd do everything you do and kissing me. No, it was actually proving that I won't do it. Then you pulled back and kept watching the movie as if nothing happened. Well, it did. So I kissed you back, of course. I can't decide if that's how it all started or if it was when we first met and you threw sugar at me and I noticed the way your eyes gave that spark of fire I told you about. They still do sometimes like in that favorite picture of mine which you refused to upload. 
It feels a bit strange to be remembering stuff that happened half a year ago as vividly as if they happened yesterday and I won't be able to ever forget what sleeping in your arms felt like for that first night and how happy and scared I felt when I got up the next they, told you goodbye and started to get ready for work. I remember smelling the perfume again and remembering it all over again, wondering if it actually happened. I know we talked back then and I knew how scared and uncertain you were. I wish I'd stopped it all back then. But I also remember how I didn't actually start it. You did. An interesting idea comes to my sick and twisted mind at the thought of this. You were the one who kept it going and who also kept saying it's nothing. What if I did the same to you? I wonder if that will keep you up at night thinking of me the way I think of you more often than I'd ever care to admit. You wanted me not to trick you, which means I can easily do that. Otherwise you wouldn't have warned me. And trust me, I'd never do anything to hurt you. But this... Well it could fix us both if you have enough faith. I know I do. 
I'd have already started drinking coffee just to remember what kissing you felt like if only it wouldn't make me crazy. Well, not that I am too sane now. 

14 март, 2017

everything ends eventually

I can't believe I forgot about it but here it is. I remember lying beside you, in your UNWE T-shirt because it's the only one you're willing to share and it's an added joke to me being a SU student. Anyway, I lie down beside you and my eyes are heavy with sleep but I force myself to stay awake just for a little longer. I try to memorize the room in the darkness, the way you're letting me sleep almost in the middle of the bed (though I am quite small and easy to move). I keep my hand on your arm, gently drawing lines helping you relax and fall asleep easily. You purr instead, almost like a kitten under my touch and you lean closer. My arm rests on your chest and I'm faintly feeling your pulse until you turn facing me but keeping your eyes closed and trying to actually fall asleep. Instead you come even closer, leaning in after my every touch and your breathing become shallow and a bit uneven. I close my eyes, pretending I'm falling asleep as well though that's the last thing on my mind. My senses are painfully aware of the closeness between us but I stand still, afraid to open my eyes and see you looking at me in the darkness. A smile threatens to play at my lips but I keep still, not daring to move, let alone smile. Then I taste the sweetness of your breath as you come even closer and your nose touches mine. I'm desperately fighting with the demons in my head saying I should make the distance disappear and the angels telling me to hold still. And I do. Hold still I mean. My hand keeps touching your skin, the back of your head where your hair ends. I make the same movement, not daring to let it show. Because if I did, you'd see right through me. Then all the thinking disappears as your lips crush into mine and your hands find their way to my body until we are tangled in one another, not sure where one ends and the other begins. The intensity grows, comes and goes in waves. We are all over each other and it's as if we're underwater, not aware of anything else around. Then we come up for air, gasping, whispering something to each other but mostly wanting nothing else but to drown in the sweet impossibility of it all. At some point the ocean settles, the storm passes and so do we, no longer desperate and in denial about the feelings we might have. Sleep comes a bit afterwards when I no longer have the strength to draw lines over your skin or to watch you while you fall asleep. Still, we are in each other's arms, not wanting to let anything come between us, even if it's just the air we so desperately need every now and then. I'm vaguely aware that you're asleep already as you stir and startle in your own sleep as I know you usually do but I hold you a bit tighter and you seem to become calm again. 
The morning is a quiet event of getting dressed and ready for work. Weirdly enough you enjoy music early in the morning and you're usually annoyed by people around you but you seem to not be annoyed with me. It's weird to be woken up with a kiss and then not even hugged goodbye. But in our defense, it's way better to not talk about your weaknesses, isn't it. Why spoil the good memory with an awkward explanation when it can happen again afterwards.  

13 март, 2017

broken and made

So what if the books I read make me a hopeless romantic? I've always wanted a fairy tale and weirdly enough have always tried to make it look like one. My story, remember. All of it, with every decision there for a reason, even if the reason is that I'm stupid and haven't learned my lessons yet. 
I wrote it down. I write here, in the notebook, in the other notebook. I talk about it, I write about it until it's all out in the open, until it no longer has any effect on me. I'm having my overdose until I get sick of it and decide that I've had enough for good. That story goes backwards with you saying that you should have tried harder when the time was right. When I'm over it, which will take me a while, that's when you'll decide you want it. You want me. It's the irony that follows my life. Weirdly enough, I learned the lesson. I want better, thanks to reading books. I want it all, body and soul. I want it to be worth the effort and well, the time. Because I've wasted a lot of time chasing people, then their ghosts. I might as well start buying cats and dogs already. Instead the idea of moving seems more and more compelling and I might as well give in to it. Otherwise I'm still sidelined but way better. Going back to work will be the hardest task yet. Being on my own will be even harder but I'm willing to do my best as usual. 
Things will start to change pretty soon. I can feel it. It's supposed to get better for a change or I'll make it so anyway. The world and everything in it. Suddenly I matter again. I'm strong enough and I'm worth it, without having to explain or prove it anymore. 

11 март, 2017

midnight starlight

This time I'm writing it down, on purpose. The excuses, the empty promises, the pretending that nothing ever happened, the 'I'm protecting us both' stuff. I'm writing it down so I can get it out of my system and be done with it. I made a promise long time ago to not let anyone treat me this way. And then I had failed myself time and again because people need saving and if someone has to ave them, then why not that be me. Because at the end of the day, truth is I need saving and well, I'll be saving my own damn self as usual. 
I can't even remember clearly the last time we kissed, let alone the last time I saw you. I think it was at the crossroad when I was crossing it one way and you the other. And out of no where you decided to hold my hand because you didn't want to hug me but also didn't want to just say goodbye. As for the kissing, it must have been that night when it was raining and we watched Suits. I was cold and asked you to warm me up. Then, as we were falling asleep you leaned in close, hesitating... And well those are the things we don't talk about. Because if we do, they are real and if they're real then they have to mean something. 
Of course I won't be mad at you. It's me I should be mad at for letting you do this over and over again. It's the thing that makes and breaks me as usual that helps me forget how pointless and broken I actually feel most of the time. Nothing matters anyway. I can go through all of hell for nothing and it won't mean a thing to anyone. I've been sidelined and pushed back years back with this whole not being allowed to make a decision for myself and yet... No one cares. I've been sort of losing my mind slowly and well... Surprise! Who cares?! 
I guess I must have mastered the pretending part. A class act indeed when I feel like screaming but I smile instead. I fall apart and get blamed for it. No wonder I have trust issues. And issues period actually. I needed you, you know. I used our date today as a reward for surviving yesterday which was hands down the worst day so far. And I've had plenty of bad days this year. 
Remember the five things... Well I pretty much have none right now. It was good to be back and seeing some familiar faces. I'd like more of that. It felt so normal to ride the bus, go to a lecture, be with a friend, laugh over stupid jokes. It felt like my life again. I felt like myself, even if it was just for a little while. Of everything I've lost I still miss myself the most. And my sanity. I'd give it all up just to be that girl who got married without her parents knowing. The one who went to Sofia without them ever finding out. The one crazy enough to survive everything and still be okay with it.