11 март, 2017

midnight starlight

This time I'm writing it down, on purpose. The excuses, the empty promises, the pretending that nothing ever happened, the 'I'm protecting us both' stuff. I'm writing it down so I can get it out of my system and be done with it. I made a promise long time ago to not let anyone treat me this way. And then I had failed myself time and again because people need saving and if someone has to ave them, then why not that be me. Because at the end of the day, truth is I need saving and well, I'll be saving my own damn self as usual. 
I can't even remember clearly the last time we kissed, let alone the last time I saw you. I think it was at the crossroad when I was crossing it one way and you the other. And out of no where you decided to hold my hand because you didn't want to hug me but also didn't want to just say goodbye. As for the kissing, it must have been that night when it was raining and we watched Suits. I was cold and asked you to warm me up. Then, as we were falling asleep you leaned in close, hesitating... And well those are the things we don't talk about. Because if we do, they are real and if they're real then they have to mean something. 
Of course I won't be mad at you. It's me I should be mad at for letting you do this over and over again. It's the thing that makes and breaks me as usual that helps me forget how pointless and broken I actually feel most of the time. Nothing matters anyway. I can go through all of hell for nothing and it won't mean a thing to anyone. I've been sidelined and pushed back years back with this whole not being allowed to make a decision for myself and yet... No one cares. I've been sort of losing my mind slowly and well... Surprise! Who cares?! 
I guess I must have mastered the pretending part. A class act indeed when I feel like screaming but I smile instead. I fall apart and get blamed for it. No wonder I have trust issues. And issues period actually. I needed you, you know. I used our date today as a reward for surviving yesterday which was hands down the worst day so far. And I've had plenty of bad days this year. 
Remember the five things... Well I pretty much have none right now. It was good to be back and seeing some familiar faces. I'd like more of that. It felt so normal to ride the bus, go to a lecture, be with a friend, laugh over stupid jokes. It felt like my life again. I felt like myself, even if it was just for a little while. Of everything I've lost I still miss myself the most. And my sanity. I'd give it all up just to be that girl who got married without her parents knowing. The one who went to Sofia without them ever finding out. The one crazy enough to survive everything and still be okay with it. 

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