10 април, 2017

only makes me love you more

They say that when your soul is young you need to be reborn plenty of times in order to learn all your lessons. I must be a pretty young soul all things considered. Tonight is the first night I ever felt like lighting a cigarette and feeling helpless. It sucks when someone you care about is not okay and there is nothing you can do to help but to give them space because that is what they want. 
Other than that I'm walking to the grand finale and trying to figure out what to say in order not to end things but to end them nonetheless. As if that is possible. I'm reliving last year and preparing because I've decided yet again that things should end in May. And I need all the time I can get to prepare because you're never ready to end something when you wanted it to last at least a lifetime.
The dark hole I live in is getting bigger in some aspects. I'm hitting rock bottom any time now. All the plans in the world won't make things work out no matter how bad I want them to. And I'm losing a friend which is what I hate most about my idiot of a heart which decides to fall here and there for awesome people who happen to me but who I never happen to. 
It's a good things I have good friends who will yet again be there for me when the world ends. It did a long time ago but I'm having a hard time giving up. Basically this week is going to be a preparation for May and I should have gone to bed by now but I can't. I did have a friends weekend. Talking with my BFF till 7 in the morning was something I missed and something I look forward to. I'd very much like it if we could skip this year and move on to the next one, please. I had enough already and I'm not prepared to lose any more important people. In the same time I'm not okay being in between and being just friends with someone who I want for way more than that. I'm selfish for wanting it all and I'll get what I deserve pretty soon. Like he said today, we learn our lessons and then we're on to the next one. 
Just ended a friendship that I guess was never really one because of feelings on the other side. I can't help but think that it would be the same pretty soon but because the feelings on my side. Why is it that the best thing that can ever happen, meaning knowing that you're still alive inside and able to feel in suck a way, turns out to be the thing that makes you lose friends and break whatever is left of you. I am defined by the things I never have. Not for long anyway. It ends or it doesn't. 

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