24 април, 2017

when i can't sleep

That other time when we were out with out friend it was almost impossible to look at you without feeling this ache in my chest. I remember not wanting to come at all because I knew it would be too much. Everything is lately. It hurt to look at you and do just that and nothing else. Just like it hurt to hug you when we were saying goodbye. 
You know, it also hurt when I had made all those perfect plans and even came back early so everything could be set up just so you can quit on me yet again. I barely made it home before I actually fell to the floor and cried for the first time in a long time. I cried and I felt so angry at myself for trying so hard and still not being good enough. I said some pretty harsh things then. And I totally blew it afterwards by finally writing down everything because you figured it would be too much to talk in person. Well, it still was. Which is why I cried again like the big baby I am. And I cried and wept for an hour and a half after reading what you had to say. I remember trying to find someone to talk to so I'd stop crying and would focus on something else. And then the days started coming one after the other until Saturday when I came to that lecture even though I could barely keep my eyes open. I stayed, I listened and watched and that same ache numbed me. I kept looking at you wondering if you'd look back and you did, time and again. Then we walked down the stairs as if nothing had happened and well, it didn't after all. 
I miss you, you know. I miss sending you pictures and asking you how your days was. I miss making plans because it's what I do best. If I wasn't so scared to actually start a conversation and of course I didn't know you were out playing I would have told you how awesome today was because I learned the other batch and I would have told you about the crazy idea of being a marketing assistant where you work. And yes, that will completely blow things over and will make me seem desperate. Which makes me hate myself for telling you everything so early when I'll be moving next month and things will finally start to happen. But in the same time I knew I never wanted to feel that misery of failed plans and being so disappointed in someone I care so deeply about. 
I would have told you that I will be moving out and I would have asked your opinion on work, on moving ... On everything really. I think I always make sure I screw up big time so I no longer have any right to make more plans, steps or whatever. Well, I did. And it's not even May yet. I would have told you that I even feel sad about moving so soon and questioning my decision. I'd tell you how it feels like all my life had passed here in this little room that somehow knows me all too well and will hold so much of memories. 
You know, I'd tell you so many things if I could. But at some point nothing I say matters anymore. Nothing I do matters either. My expiration date comes way too soon these days and I feel too sad to even be happy about the things that are happening. 

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