01 април, 2018

snuff

Weirdly enough the title of the song should bring sadness but it reminds me of you instead. And a couple other songs already, including this morning's "Diary of Jane" which holds a special place in my heart because it made me fall in love with all their songs afterwards. 
So... I've been kidnapped for the weekend back to where I sort of used to live and I sort of miss it. I'm having this weird bipolar feeling where I want to talk about all the things we've been doing these days (or ever since we met, actually) but at the same time it feels like saying them will steal the intimacy of those moments. Like I will be ruining them somehow. It's weird, I know. It's just that there are so many little things that are like a reminder of how awesome all this is. Who knew the 16 personalities test wasn't just my thing, as well as saying "pretty please". It's weird though that I still have trouble putting thoughts to words when it comes to more personal things. I'm not sure if it's because I never had to have those conversations or because I never cared enough to have them. Anyway, something to work on, I guess. 
So, yeah. Meeting new people and introducing you to my people feels like a thing I enjoy doing. I'm like ... Yep, here is another test to pass. And then it happens and I'm like ... Yey, that went surprisingly well. They all love you, of course, as if it could be any other way. I can't even remember the last time I was introducing someone special to them. 
I could be spending weekends like this one for the rest of my life and wouldn't care at all that I have other things to do and responsibilities in general. This coming from the girl who wanted to sleep in the office and work on weekends as well and be married to her job seems like ... If anyone had told me a month ago that this would be happening, I would have thought it's the first of April and they are joking with me or are just being really sarcastic, knowing me all too well. 
So yeah ... Yesterday was awesome and I got the pictures to prove it. It's the same idea as writing and talking about things. I want to take as much photos as possible, just so I can remember every single detail about the moment. Like there on top of the lake where we could see everything and I wanted to capture what I was seeing. The view of the lake with the sunset reflected over the water surface, the wind rippling the water and making my hair a mess and you standing next to me, looking at it all. This is starting to be a thing - visiting awesome places and enjoying the trip there, as well as talking until it's already almost morning. Next time if it's not so windy I'd gladly bring a notebook and write about it in the moment itself, if I can possibly bring myself to even write a single sentence properly. 
I wish I remembered every single detail. And falling asleep on your shoulder or snuggling into your jacket with your perfume all over it even if it's too big on me. Some feelings are just too real to put into words. Yet. 
I think I should try and focus some of my mind on the sane reliable and responsible part of me and start working on all the things I had as ideas. Like photography, writing/finishing some of the stories I've started ages ago, learning German, reading all the books above my bed. I want to be the me that deserves the awesome things that are happening. 

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