02 май, 2018

без път и без посока

So what if I'm coming home way too late and going to bed even later. I've made a complete mess of everything recently, my room included. Yes, I know it's a mess in general. I imagined being a recruiter as the best thing in the world and thought that not having it would ruin me. Instead I get to enjoy my notice period and remain calm through all the shitty stuff that are happening on a daily basis at work. I'm not even sure what I want to do but I think I have given way too much of myself and my time to this and it's not paying off as I thought it would. Yes, it matters to some that I'm trying so hard but well... At the end of the day it's just a job. I remember explaining this to someone - that the job is not what you come home to. There was also that thought about spending most of your life working a shitty job just so you can spend a couple of hours with your family (cats and roommates also count) and well, that's your life until it isn't anymore. 
I used to want to write books and work half time as a teacher. The teaching idea is what I'm working on at the moment but not exactly teacher as more of a trainer. I would be good at that. Well, I'm good at whatever I find interesting so there is that. And I will start cleaning up all the messes of clothes on the floor, drafts all the drives of my laptop and photos all over my desktop as well. Feels good not to be married to my job anymore and to see that there is so much more than just making interviews and calls all day.
Thank you for showing me the perspective! I mean, I knew there were other stuff that mattered, but not to me, not anymore. It was me, my job and well, putting puzzles together, watching the same TV shows over and over, reading the same books. It sounds like I'm going back to stuff but it's not the case. I'm moving forward and looking at those old things that used to matter through a different point of view. I now know I can survive almost anything, get over almost everything (the almost stands for what karma decides to surprise me with in the future). I also know how much more I can do. I am not worried about finding a job yet. It's a weird peaceful feeling that is sort of new to me. 
Basically, I like who I've become since I met you. It's not even conscious and I am just now realizing it to some extent. I'm starting to want the world again which in my world means do stuff I thought I was done with and give them and myself another chance. I can't even begin writing about all the little things that have been happening. Like when it was the 14th and you kidnapped me to the place of the first date we had (thought I didn't know it was one back then) and then asked where we would be going next time it's the 14th. I mean, I'm pretty sure you don't even realize how much of those little things you say or do are stuck in my mind and I'd be too embarrassed to ever admit them like I'm reading too much into it all. I must have learned my lessons so far. But simply ... If I have to go through all the shitty stuff that are the reason this place exists in the first place, in order to be the me that decided to go out that night and to be bold enough to sit on your chair... I'd gladly do so, no questions asked.

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