06 май, 2018

if i have to

Well, maybe it's a Marti sucks day all around. I haven't had one of those in a while, excluding the work days which are that way all the time now. Basically, I'm the person who always knows what she wants and how to get it (work related) and now I'm in my notice period with only the tiniest of idea of a suitable job for me. I am calm and it hasn't hit me yet that I fought hard for what I had and that I'm leaving it. Maybe I'm just now starting to realize it. 
I mean, I've gone from zero to sixty in like no time and decided to make a complete mess out of everything. Maybe it's about time I started fixing it by reordering my priorities and having a reality check. Because I spent the days sleeping and was too tired to take care of my uni stuff and now I feel lame because ... It used to be okay to be a lazy ass during the weekend. I like being places and seeing people, sure, but I do need my me time in order to keep my crazy in check and not feel like a failure just like I am today. 
At least I got to start doing sports and was hoping to quit smoking but that will have to be let for later. And instead of seeing and writing about all the good stuff, I am as usual venting and writing about the shitty ones because this is the scary dark place that will understand. Or even if it doesn't, I will someday, when I get to read it again. I wanted to get back to writing last summer - didn't happen because of reasons I can't even find. I wanted to keep my job for at least a year but I didn't. I'm starting to think I'm the problem and not the job. Then I again think of all the reasons I did decide to quit and see it all - still there. Then again, I feel like a loser for not fighting hard enough. This one is sort of a vicious circle that I've been avoiding and justifying. 
At least I'm done with social experiments, saving people and other disasters. I've had enough of that shit to last a lifetime. And I must have learned some lessons along the way which keep me grounded. I mean, people can come, people can go, I've stopped chasing them around and didn't even notice. 
I think I need to also evaluate who I've trusted so far and should I have trusted them in the first place. Because apparently I value trust and secrecy and honesty more than some of them do and now I'd very much like to throw something at them. Or at myself for being this stupid. You'd think that I'd have learned so far but I haven't. And in this case I can't even say the right thing to sort of set the record straight and be done with it. 
And well ... I might as well go through that before my head explodes and my urge to light a cigarette wins over the need to write. I don't say stuff like that. Every damn time I decide to do, it's more of an ending then anything. So usually it's like .. It's like a beginning to an end to say those words. And I was trying not to say them again, I was biting my lips every time they tried to escape. I think what scares me more is that I mean them and am not saying them just because things are good between us. And it's not a goodbye anymore. Though of course right after that I got to screw things up and it might as well be just because yes, I'm that lame sometimes and I need to be alone because I'm a crappy company. 
I think the only reason I liked social experiments was because I didn't have to care and didn't have to let people in. Mostly because I'm the ghost of a writer who mainly writes in her blog, has a lot of bad habits, plenty of issues that screwed her up long before she knew how to fix herself and who tends to get lost in the people around her so much that she forgets who she is. Maybe because most of the time she isn't.
So what if I sound like an idiot most of the time. In fact, I am also being an idiot who is sitting here, explaining how much things suck without actually doing anything about it. I might as well do something and then see if I will be writing the same stuff.
And for the record, saying it might make me an idiot, but it also makes me brave and that is what I intend to focus on. Only this place know how scary everything is to me and how much it takes to not be running away just because letting people in means they get to know you, spend time with you and then leave (which happens so often that I might even write a book about it some day). So, okay it is.  

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