13 май, 2018

is this freedom baby

I have this ritual to put things of people in a shoe box when I'm done with them (or they are done with me) and then keeping them in the back of the wardrobe. And I've been thinking recently that I've also put a lot of myself there. I remember being awfully cute, cheesy, romantic and had the need to say and do stuff that I now think are childish and embarrassing. It's like saying and doing all kinds of stuff to prove myself proved only to be a waste of time and I don't want to do that anymore. Or I do, since I'm thinking and talking about it but I'm scared it won't matter just as is never has before. So instead I make everything into a joke and don't take things seriously. I want to, but I don't. I must have learned a lot, I guess. 
At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if I post all the silly pictures I have of us or not, if I tell the world or not, if I tell you or not. None of that will change anything and will not make it more real or unreal, will make it more likely to end or not. That's the idea, actually, none of it is really up to me. Correction - it was. I could have stayed away as I had every reason to. I could have chosen to go home if needed. But I didn't. I stayed anyway, even though I was so sleepy and tired. I could have ignored all the messages and not go out in the first place but I didn't. 
The simple difference this time is... I'm already in it. Even without the posted pictures, the cheesy explanations, the cuteness overload moments which I hold back. That doesn't change the way things are. They just make me less of who I am when no one is around. Which is why this place exists in the first place - so I can let it all out and be a more controlled and balanced version of myself. 
And I'm having this ... Not exactly jealousy but... I sort of envy the people who have known you for a long time and were able to be there for you when you needed it, who were there to also share the good stuff. I also wonder if this version I know now is a result of all the previous experiences and how much of it is holding back thanks to learned lessons just like me. I wonder also if you have a ghost or not even though we all do every now and then. It's the things that happened and we were not able to prevent. The people that changed us and come to haunt us sometimes. And maybe also how much of what we do has already happened before. It isn't fair to be wondering such stuff as we all have history with people but still, my mind tends to go to strange places when left unsupervised. 
Basically, I think it gets scarier the more time passes because of all the shared moments and because of the growing attachment. Not saying it won't make it any less true anyway. And I can't get passed the moment a while ago when I was saying that as much as I enjoy this, it scares me to death and half of me wishes I never knew you existed, you said that you can go if I say so. If it was reversed, I'm not sure what I'd say or do. But would it be that easy really? That's the thing I guess, which is scary. It's okay when nothing ever means anything. But what if it does and what if it ends?
Silly me, of course, I've already been through enough to know things end and people survive anyway. That is why I miss the reckless and unapologetic version of myself. She'd never let all that matter as much and would be fine without all the cuteness overload stuff. This me, however, will learn in time that none of it matters as much and will be okay with being okay.

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