27 май, 2018

whatever it takes

I got to watch the fireworks again and even better, I got to do it with him. It's that simple sometimes and that awesome as well. 
Sure, everything is a mess, sure even I am at times with all this not knowing what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do it. But I'm enjoying every moment of this and still can't figure out what I have done to deserve it. 
And yes, we all project our past to our future and sure, lots of things seems scary from that point of view. In fact I think I've been doing that myself and I don't need to. What makes me crazy is exactly the holding back and the overthinking of stuff. Sure, it's what I'm used to doing because before I had to be and I wasn't allowed to do much. But now I am and I still can't get used to that. Maybe I need to unlearn some of the scary stuff and remind myself that sure, what happened before is a lesson, but it doesn't define me and should not in any way make me any less me. 
That said, I do remember as well, hearing you say that when you were sort of asleep. I also remember the smile that spread to my face when I was holding you after and falling asleep in your arms. You enjoying the fireworks and actually thinking about them, explaining how it would be better to see it, means the world to me. As does the fact that you include me in all the things you do. I'm not used to being this happy all the time and that is scary as well but it's good scary. It means that whatever happened to me before, not matter how bad, didn't manage to ruin me completely and I'm still me. I still get to feel this way about someone. And not just anyone. 
I may have actually been caught up in this girl thinking that every single thing should mean something. And even if it does, it's not in the same way I think it is. I can't help but wonder when did I become so insecure about everything. I'm so used to being on my own and not being enough or being too much that I've learned to actually be enough just for myself and now that someone sees who I am and is still around even after that... Maybe I should take it in another way. As proof that everyone else before wasn't my person and I wasn't theirs. And maybe now I am and he is. I wish I was this sane all the time. 
Well, all in all heaven couldn't be closer and I will not let my past define who I am anymore. Sure it has some effect, I guess and I will let that be, but it's like the thing with the songs. Every song has a coda, an ending, but that shouldn't make you enjoy the music any less. 
Oh and, I also need to stop whining about not doing anything and start doing it. Remember the five things ... Well, I still want it all.

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