03 юли, 2018

Ranting 101

I'm having a flash back of those "Be yourself but not this way" kind of talks I've had in my life. I am well aware how inappropriate I can be. I know I can piss people off when I try my best to tell them my opinion and I do have an opinion about everything and everyone. Not always so positive at that. And I have no desire to be liked at all times for it. Especially when I am right to say so. 
It's irony at play yet again. I think half this blog is based on how others don't seem to get me for why I am who I am and the other is based on losing people over it. For being to little or too much of myself. That's exactly why I like being on my own and doing things on my own. And being equal to another person in my private life but not having to do anything work related with that said person. Because things get personal and everyone is someone's friend and all logic goes to hell because of hurt feelings. 
That's why I don't make plans and I try not to like things too much. Because now it's my thing too and I want what's best for it. And I wish everyone did the same and did not put other things above it when talking to people. And since I'm the only one that gets that and tries to be loyal to the team idea and the project itself, maybe I shouldn't be trying so hard and should just give it up. Won't be the first thing, won't be the last probably. I'm fine with giving it up and letting it be my punishment for me being me. If I can't be myself in it, why be a part of it in the first place. And why let it destroy the one good thing I finally managed to find and not screw up so far. It means tоo much and I can't let anything mess it up. I can't decide if I'm selfish or not for giving up. I hate being a quitter and never have been, but Mer did give up neuro for the same reason. I wish I could have been a Christina and not Mer but I am not. And I'm not even close to being the sun in anything. 
At this point I just want my peace back. I don't care who gets credit for what I've done or said, I don't care what I get blamed for, just ... breathing in an out would be enough. I knew that lesson but I can't remember the exact conversation that brought it. I guess I've always been good at reading people and understanding them, but not good at communicating with them afterwards. Strangers make much more sense sometimes. I remember I used to like it when I got the chance to talk to some. They were always nice. Who cares that I'm good at knowing everything if I don't even get to use that. Here is the other lesson - I may be right and may have the exact arguments to prove it but sometimes it's not worth it. Because people mean more than being right. No wonder I keep dreaming about water and oceans. 
I can at least say it in peace here - it should have been me. Because I do know things. But I don't really have the chance to even prove that. Psychology and art might be the most useless skills on the planet right now if I can't even get to express myself and find a solution to fix things without giving up or settling for being in the background. Then again, so much for feminism. Girls don't always get what they deserve. There's a whole library written about that. One in a million might get her chance, but I'm not that one. All the irony - I've never been the one in anything. At least when I don't know something, I ask and I try to learn, I don't disrespect people and I don't get credit for their actions. Now I will watch Grey's as usual. 

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