24 септември, 2018

high and low

Congrats for being the girl who for her car finally and is kinda too scared to drive it! It's not that I actively disapprove of the way things are right now. Not at all! I learned a lot of things the hard way by fighting for them and I am grateful for that. But every now and then I do wonder what it would have been like if my town actually felt like my town. Like I actually had memories there besides going to school and out like 5 times in my 18 years of living there. Like ... What it would have been if all my stories didn't start with "that one time" or with "here is where someone lives". My memories from back then are so few that sometimes it feels like I wasn't really living while being there with some few exceptions. 
So... I started going out when I no longer felt the need to. When I was used to being on my own. Irony at play here. Then I got my car, when I was too comfortable using the public transport and well, being a coward obviously. And all this time I just wanted a damn apology like "sorry we screwed this one up for you, how do we make it right?". Because back then I had fire and I wanted to drive anywhere. It was my way out. It was everything I ever wanted. Now... Well, I already don't have enough faith in me that I can do it, thanks to past memories of "not having enough time" to teach me or simply letting me learn in a small town rather than here. And I do want this but I need another me to be there for me and to understand when I say "this is too much", and to make it all feel not like yet another test I'm going to fail but like something I was born to do. Which... well is never going to happen. 
And on top of that ridiculous thing that seems to be torturing me yet again, I'm supposed to be at that age where I have started to build a career and to have even the faintest idea where I want to be, what I want to do. Which I don't. 
I actually miss just sitting and watching some old TV series and reordering something in my otherwise always messy room. Or having a lazy Sunday with no alarms. Lately there's a bit too much pressure to prove myself at work and then discussing the other project till late after midnight and I wouldn't mind usually but I need time in order to feel comfortable with all my responsibilities and time to not think about them at all. And time to figure stuff out. Did I say time? Oh, yes, sleep too. 
I think my room being a mess is a poetic spin of the fact that I am also a mess. Not that I like it but... Admitting defeat seems like a good way to go at this point. I don't have it in me to fight for stuff and to prove people wrong. What's another thing to cry about and give up on, right? And there goes the phrase "it's not other people's fault that you are the way you are", but ... it is. "No man is an island entire of itself".

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