14 септември, 2018


Lately I've been deleting things, cleaning all my surroundings of the past. The funny thing is, I never delete anything just because I don't usually bother cleaning up my laptop, or my room, or my wardrobe, or anything really. But I did. I went through so many pictures expecting to feel some sort of nostalgia and to find it hard to say goodbye to all those memories but most pictures were full of people who are no longer part of my life anyway and it didn't feel like such a big deal after all. Because the past made me who I am today and I will be forever grateful to it, no matter how much shit I had to go through at times. 
Another thing also comes to mind. Why get rid of just pictures, when I can also go through all my boxes and get rid of them as well. I used to go through them every now and then thinking what my life would have been like if things worked out differently. But I don't anymore. Because if they did, I wouldn't have been here right now. Like ... If one single thing ruined the whole consequence of events I wouldn't have what I have now. 
Because for the first time in forever I feel like not spending a second away from him if not absolutely needed. I love going to bed with him, waking up next to him (and his hundred alarms), I love spending all my time with him. I no longer look back wondering what it could have been. I look back grateful that it didn't and scared of what my life would have looked like if it did. And I don't even spend that much time looking back at all because I am starting to like the idea of looking forward and imagining what I want my life to be like. And I like it very much, because I imagine it all with him. And funnily enough I got tears in my eyes while writing this last part because the reality of this, of actually feeling this way and wanting those things makes me both scared and excited. Scared that what I am imagining might not turn out the right way and excited of all the possibilities ahead. But then again, I didn't think my life turned out the right way before, or that I turned out right. Yet, I have this. And as small a milestone today is, it's one I appreciate while looking for the many more to come. 
Happy 6!

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