11 януари, 2019

Mesmerize

I've been asking for a new favorite TV series for some time and the answer is literally all over the city these days. So ... I'm already on the end of season 1 of The Resident. I loved Emily since the Revenge and Matt since Gilmore Girls. The two of them together in a doctor series makes for a match made in heaven. You know, my kind of heaven. With all the irony that I hate hospitals, yet I love watching TV series about doctors. And Grey's is back next week, so I'm ecstatic!
I've started this year with another first. I've never ever celebrated and shared my birthday with anyone, let alone the person I get to share everything. Still, it counts as an awesome experience with lots of fun and lots of people. 
This week I'm off work because I'm trying to finish my MA with writing my master's thesis. It's not going as well as I hoped, but i don't really have that much time left. Inspiration has got to show up or I'll have to write without it. It feels good to not make any plans and not be responsible for anything at least for a little but. Going around night winter Sofia last night reminded me of times when I was a bit more outgoing. I wonder every now and then if I'd have the guts to do all the crazy things I've done all over again. And if they are the reason I am myself crazy sometimes. I'm having this reality check that things can't be that good. It can't all be this perfect, I can't be all this happy. Yet I am. I've been for a long time now. 
I remember feeling all fucked-up and broken, not wanting to be responsible, to plan stuff, to share my thoughts, my time, my feelings with anyone, for anyone. Yet that changed. He changed it. I was a mess of stupidity even when we first met, yet he looked at me as if none of it matters. I remember wanting to scare him as early as possible so he can leave if he wants without me starting to care as much. At some point I knew I wanted to keep all my scary stuff for myself yet realized that if I hide them now, I risk them finding me later. Plus why hide things that shaped you into the person you are now. 
This year started with the peer pressure of people getting married, getting engaged and everyone is so excited to make that wish to another person. And as fun as it is to joke about it, as much as I pictured when I was a kid that by 26 I'd be married and having kids, the reality of it is much different. Sort of sad when you look at the failed expectations but what did I know back then and what was I thinking. I'm lucky I don't have cats already. I remember wanting to wait till I turn 30 and then adopt a kid so I can fulfill my birthright of being a mom without having to go through the trouble of trusting someone and giving them the chance to ruin me. Plus giving birth does seem quite scary. I think it only gets complicated when I look around and see people around be getting married, having kids. I would want that, someday. But the way things are right now, I don't even know where I might end up living in a year. My life as stable as it is, is not in any way welcoming towards any such changes. 
I used to be a dreamer, always wanting things, always imagining how things should be, how I want them to be. I stopped somewhere along the way. I don't plan on getting married, on having kids, hell on making to work on time on Monday. I'm so used to things not going according to plan and of wishful thinking that I don't in any way feel like I should be doing this to myself again. Expectations is what ruins us more than anything else. I don't have any. And I'm glad to say so. I am happy with the way things are and don't feel like wishing for things that are not likely to happen any time soon. I'm happy. Which I never got to say so often and mean it. Hence I feel like something must be very wrong without me realizing it. I'm that good at learning my lessons, I only expect the worst because it takes a lot to handle. Happiness on the other hand doesn't require much. It just is. 

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