14 юни, 2019

these five words in my head

I think I should remember to remind myself more often that me being here and doing this was a choice rather than the lack of one or the need to be doing something. I should remember every now and then what it was like to not be able to handle being outside for more than half an hour just sitting there and talking to friends. I should remember more often that little room with printed pictures and quotes on the wall and all the things I've lived through while being there. And mostly the fact that I survived despite all the times I thought my world was ending and that there was no point to anything. Or worse, there was a point but my messed up mind was too scared to go find it. 
I should also remember that I wasn't alone all the time and there were people who helped, some who made it worse. I should remember why I have all my tattoos and what they all mean to me. For the most part I have been throwing things away and trying not to admit that it all still matters as if it makes me a sinner that I do have a past. I should have saved some just for the sake of remembering, though this place would certainly hold much more than any of the boxes I used to have. 
I know how there should be a point to everything that happens in our lives though that point may sometimes be idiocy rather than anything else. I also know that those coincidences will never stop surprising me and making me wonder why is it all the way it is. 
Maybe I am putting too much on the weekend being this soul-searching time that will bring me back my inspiration. Maybe I need to be a lazy ass for those two days in order to finally have a chat with my grumpy self and decide to be a fighter again. Even if everything is already decided and into plan, I might as well go down fighting, you know. I might as well remember why I do what I do and why it matters. I also need to prep for my trainer interview tomorrow. It might be a back-up role for like 4 hours a week, but I also remember dying to just be given a chance to do that. Also, I prepared the most amazing handout to finish my presentation with and it felt great to do so. I just now rehearsed it as well and felt like back in Uni when I was explaining to my colleagues about writing and mental palace and I was wearing my glasses in order to seem more convincing and serious. Now I wear my new (well not so new anymore) glasses all the time. I feel like they keep me covered in some way, protected. Not just for what their actual purpose but from the people around me. 
It's good to know someone cares about it all enough to speak up for me. It's weird for people who don't care to be telling you they do but the two people I have there make up for that. Oh and the presentation has to be in English. I miss talking in English all the time. I even notice how I stopped using complex lexical expressions and I stumble looking for the right word sometimes. Hopefully I will figure out a way to fix that somehow.

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